I thought I'd get all serious on you, yo.
I've noticed something after adopting: People feel the need to tell me that I love Maya as much as if I had my "own" child.
"The love is the same," a neighbor told me.
"My friends love their adopted children as much as they would their own," a very good friend (whom I love dearly) told me.
Neither woman has adopted, but both have been very supportive to me. (Which is somewhat more bothersome than if they had been unsupportive to begin with, because it shows how ingrained this thinking is. It's almost like they were reassuring themselves.)
I'm not sure why they told me this, because I wasn't lamenting my lack of love for my daughter. I wasn't saying "I'm afraid my love isn't the same as a biological parent's." It was just something that came out, slipped out easily, like water, during the flow of conversation.
Here is why these statements bother me (and these two women are incredible--so it's not the women I'm upset with, it's the fact that these statements are such "normal" things for people to say).
First: That it was so easy to say. When you read it again, it's almost consoling: there, there, you're a real mom too, your love is real. It implies something needs to be said. And it's so ingrained in our lexicon that if you say something back, you get the overused "you know what I mean." (The other day a veryclose family member said to me, "He never wanted to look for his real father." I said, "real father? Am I not a real mother to Maya?" The family member said "You know what I mean." I said "Yes, unfortunately, but 'real' is not the right word to use.")
Maybe we need to change the words we use to reflect what we really mean instead of expecting people to extract and discern meaning from the sub-par words we use.
Second: The dreaded use of "own." I HATE the use of "own" to describe a biological child. And it is so prevalent in our society--it's very much part of our common language. I read those words all the time, and I hear them at least three times a week--from family members who are ecstatic we've adopted, to very good friends, to casual acquaintances, to other adoptive parents. "I wanted to have my own, but I couldn't, so I adopted." "I know this couple who has one adopted and one of their own." My parents have used these terms also. This is what I usually say: "One of their own? Adopted or biological?" Or "You know, after you adopt that child is your own." Usually the person doesn't even notice I've said anything. Because I'm supposed to know what they mean.
But "own" carries a lot of (perhaps unintended) meaning. Something your "own" belongs to you. Own implies belonging. So a child "of your own" is one that "belongs" to you, a child "of you." And the membership button to announce belonging is blood (at least in our society). The flipside is a child not of "your own," not "of you," a child who does not "belong." And this is not a message I want to give my child, who very much belongs, who is very much our "own" AND her own person. She has someone's dimple in her left cheek, someone's infectious laugh, and someone's shiny black hair, but she's starting to pick up mannerisms from Random and me--she tries to dance like I do (God help her), she is starting to love books (like me), and she adores shoes (like me). Maybe these things also came from her genes, from her birthfamily, but to say that she is not Random and my "own" child suggests that she doesn't belong with us, that she is not "of" us--and although she is not of our blood, she is part of our family.
Third: Saying "she loves the adopted child as much as she would her own" suggests that the love for a biological child is the supreme, trumps-all love that other meager loves have to live up to. (And yet we all know that blood ties do not automatically equal love.) But there doesn't need to be a comparison. It's like comparing an apple to an apple--love is inherently love, pure and simple, it doesn't need to be compared. You don't need to tell me that I love my Cheeks as much as I would a biological child--when I look at her, I don't think "I love you like you came from me," I just think "I love you." Saying that an adoptive parent loves their child as much as they would a biological child would be like me saying "she loves her biological child as much as if she'd spent two years compiling paperwork and traveled across the world to adopt her." Silly, right?
Fourth: Well, there is no fourth. But this morning Maya climbed on my lap and gave me a spontaneous hug. Then she pulled away, looked me dead in the eye, and patted my chest. "Mama," she said. I smiled and said "yes!" And then my daughter kissed her hand--MUWAH!--and placed her hand on my mouth.
There is no "I love my daughter as much as if...." There is just "I love my daughter." I don't need to clarify or qualify. Maya may not have been a part of me for those nine months in utero, but she is a part of me now.
You are 100% right. Love is love, plain and simple. I am so sorry that people feel the need to qualify it further because you adopted Maya. I do love that picture of the two of you, what a beautiful mother/daughter shot.
Posted by: jenny | 12/07/2006 at 10:16 AM
This is fabulous. So well explained.
Posted by: Genevieve | 12/07/2006 at 10:19 AM
Great picture. Why can't people just get it? She is your daughter and you love her like any mother loves their child. Love is love is love is love.
Posted by: Lisa K. | 12/07/2006 at 10:19 AM
I'm printing this and framing it. I may even hand out copies to strangers in grocery stores... with all due credit to you.:+) Thanks for taking the time to eloquently express the thoughts of so many of us!!
Posted by: irshlas | 12/07/2006 at 10:35 AM
What a wonderful picture. And a wonderful mom.
Posted by: Paula | 12/07/2006 at 10:36 AM
The bit about Maya climbing onto your lap is the most precious story...
I'm so sorry that you're still having to fight these words and that it will be a lifelong battle. You are so eloquent and I really enjoy hearing your thoughts on all of this.
Posted by: Reese | 12/07/2006 at 10:43 AM
With dearhearts who speak before thinking, I go all soft and quiet then explain how their words were unintentionally hurtful and that, while my head may understand what they mean, my heart is hurt nonetheless.
With the unthinking masses, I go back to Bree on Desperate Housewives. Bree may be prickly, but there are times to be prickly. There are times I go all ignorant and insist I don't know what they mean, continuing to ask them to explain until they get as uncomfortable with their own words as I am.
It takes the dearhearts some times to be more thoughtful with their words, but, generally, they're trainable.
Great photo!
Posted by: Mommela | 12/07/2006 at 10:45 AM
This is what I have believed for a long time. That your children are your children. It doesn't matter if they came from your body or someone else's or if they look just like you or not. Fate made those children yours. There is no rule that says children are yours only if they have your DNA. Fate overrides DNA rules.
Posted by: CathyC | 12/07/2006 at 10:56 AM
As to these ingrained words/comments -- UGG is right. And I was just as guilty until I started the adoption process. And this is giving me food for thought about being ready for the "you know what I mean" comments. Because while I might not be able to change attitudes in the world at large, I would like those close to me to truly understand as best they can.
Posted by: newgirl | 12/07/2006 at 10:58 AM
I was in the midst of starting the adoption process when I got pregnant with my daughter, and if I had a dollar for every person who said "well, it's good you're having one of your own..." Depending on the situation, I would explain or just roll my eyes. I loved this post, and the story about Maya. Tell me you didn't melt into a little puddle.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | 12/07/2006 at 11:05 AM
"It's almost like they were reassuring themselves" You hit the nail on the head. I wondered if I could love my second child as much as I loved my first. And I wondered if I could love my adopted son like my biological children. It is different, so you wonder.I don't wonder anymore. He is a part of me, as much as any of my children. And shhh, don't tell my other kids, but that much more precious because of all the loss, tears, and the miracle of himself. They are reassuring themselves because they are not sure they could love a child like that.
Posted by: Jo in Utah | 12/07/2006 at 11:12 AM
Wonderful post. I always cringe when I hear people say "her real mom" or "her first mom". Giving birth does not make someone a mom. Those are stripes we earn as our child ends the circus performance by puking on us, or keeps us up all night with a raging fever, or... pats us on the chest and says, "Mama." This isn't a dig at women who give birth and choose adoption for the child... I admire their ability to make that choice. But mommies are made in the day-in and day-out stuff... not in biology.
Posted by: Amy | 12/07/2006 at 11:29 AM
You said it beautifully! We have one bio, age 10, and LID 05/15/06, and I often wonder if I will "love" Gracie like I do my Annie. In my heart and in my thoughts of her, I do. I don't believe it will be any different and perhaps even a bit more special. There are all different kinds of love. The love for my child makes my heart sing, dance and sometimes, cry. It is just so deep. I think if you feel that, your life is complete and never doubt it. Thank you for letting us view your lives with Maya and for being so open about your feelings. Take care.
Posted by: Laura | 12/07/2006 at 11:30 AM
Wonderful post. I always cringe when I hear people say "her real mom" or "her first mom". Giving birth does not make someone a mom. Those are stripes we earn as our child ends the circus performance by puking on us, or keeps us up all night with a raging fever, or... pats us on the chest and says, "Mama." This isn't a dig at women who give birth and choose adoption for the child... I admire their ability to make that choice. But mommies are made in the day-in and day-out stuff... not in biology.
Posted by: Amy | 12/07/2006 at 11:31 AM
You said it beautifully! We have one bio, age 10, and LID 05/15/06, and I often wonder if I will "love" Gracie like I do my Annie. In my heart and in my thoughts of her, I do. I don't believe it will be any different and perhaps even a bit more special. There are all different kinds of love. The love for my child makes my heart sing, dance and sometimes, cry. It is just so deep. I think if you feel that, your life is complete and never doubt it. Thank you for letting us view your lives with Maya and for being so open about your feelings. Take care.
Posted by: Laura | 12/07/2006 at 11:32 AM
Truly well written and wonderful. I just stumbled onto your website, thank you for posting. We are in the "embassy" phase of our adoption and I hope and pray that I have your wisdom in dealing with these types of statements. I am already so over-protective of our choice of becoming a family. We started our paperwork process on November 1st, 2005 and my love for this being that will enter our lives began much earlier than that! Thank you once again for your site, I hope to learn much more from you. Ivonne
Posted by: Ivonne | 12/07/2006 at 11:34 AM
You said it beautifully! We have one bio, age 10, and LID 05/15/06, and I often wonder if I will "love" Gracie like I do my Annie. In my heart and in my thoughts of her, I do. I don't believe it will be any different and perhaps even a bit more special. There are all different kinds of love. The love for my child makes my heart sing, dance and sometimes, cry. It is just so deep. I think if you feel that, your life is complete and never doubt it. Thank you for letting us view your lives with Maya and for being so open about your feelings. Take care.
Posted by: Kevin & Laura | 12/07/2006 at 11:34 AM
You said it beautifully! We have one bio, age 10, and LID 05/15/06, and I often wonder if I will "love" Gracie like I do my Annie. In my heart and in my thoughts of her, I do. I don't believe it will be any different and perhaps even a bit more special. There are all different kinds of love. The love for my child makes my heart sing, dance and sometimes, cry. It is just so deep. I think if you feel that, your life is complete and never doubt it. Thank you for letting us view your lives with Maya and for being so open about your feelings. Take care.
Posted by: Kevin & Laura | 12/07/2006 at 11:37 AM
we really like boxes in this here world, huh?
As a new mom through adoption I am getting my share of the sweet, supportive, clueless-but-well-intentioned variety.
My MIL informed me beforehand that she would "love any child we adopted just as much" as any bio grandchild. Yes, the intentions were good, supportive and sweet, and yet... the fact that she felt the need to say anything unasked in the first place made me feel... startled. and well, like dirt. Second class.
If you put that sentiment towards other things, such as race, you get much more alarming results: "Don't worry, Rhonda. You're just as pretty as the white girls."
In addition, Babygirl was extremely premature. 1.5 lbs at 24 weeks. Her birthmother had survived a horrendous, traumatic ordeal to have her. Babygirl was in the NICU for 100 days and had no one before we became a family when she was 3 months old(still not due adjusted age). I was shocked at the number of nurses who would come over to her isolette where my husband and I cradled her for 18 hours a day, 7 days a week for 2 weeks, crying over the miracle we thought she was just for existing, and for all 3 of us having found each other in this crazy world, to tell us, "oh! now you'll get pregnant!"
I would politely correct them even though it made me impatient. I couldn't believe they wanted to discuss pregancy NOW. I had as little interest in getting pregnant as any new mother. But I'd say, "Well, the thing is I have an autoimmune blood clotting disease which caused 8 miscarriages." Thinking naively that that would solve it, so we could get back to the all-important act of baby worshipping.
But they'd inevitably reply, earnestly, "Miracles happen!!!"
To which I'd reply(feeling all the more desperate for their kind intentions), "MY MIRACLE IS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!" It hurt my heart to the core to HAVE TO SAY THAT.
I feel this weird pressure to prove(or, if not to prove, to SHOW pepople) how deep my love for my little girl is. Because I want it to be CLEAR. To her more than anyone.
Posted by: sadie | 12/07/2006 at 11:41 AM
That "own" thing is odd. We stongly considered adoption and it was in the plan if we did not conceive a second child. We wanted two children of our own. Not of our own biology, but two children to raise with our ideas and love.
I think you have written a great peice on the "loving just like your own". Maybe you could show this to your friends?
I love that photo
Posted by: spacemom | 12/07/2006 at 11:42 AM
All good points. Does anyone dare point out that its amazing how we can love our husbands, even though we aren't blood relations?
Posted by: Miss Cellania | 12/07/2006 at 11:49 AM
I'm not a mother (yet) but even before my IF, I never understood how people could think this way about adoption vs bio. But I think you are doing everything right, for yourself and for your family. Just recently I read an article that said Brad Pitt really wanted to have a son with Angelina Jolie. Now we can't know if he actually said that - I certainly hope not! But the voice behind that comment doesn't acknowledge that B&A already have a son together and that really made my blood boil.
Love is love - plain and simple. Who is anybody to attempt to assess a mother's love for her child? It's absurd.
Posted by: Katherine | 12/07/2006 at 11:51 AM
I really have never understood the concept because as Miss Cellania above points out..we love people that we are not related to all the time. Why should children be even different? In fact, shouldn't loving a child be even easier in some ways?
Anyway, I love you guys. :)
Posted by: baggage | 12/07/2006 at 11:54 AM
Oh, yes.
Posted by: Round is Funny | 12/07/2006 at 11:57 AM
I agree with you regarding those particular comments. However, I would have to admit, I probably would of used them prior to my own IF. Adoption was not something I gave thought to, particularly as certain asian cultures (one I am associated with) have not generally been very supportive of it. Or if it is done, it is done in total secrecy. Now that I have experienced IF, I am very sensitive to the way others view adoption.
Posted by: Sung | 12/07/2006 at 12:04 PM