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12/07/2006

Comments

jenny

You are 100% right. Love is love, plain and simple. I am so sorry that people feel the need to qualify it further because you adopted Maya. I do love that picture of the two of you, what a beautiful mother/daughter shot.

Genevieve

This is fabulous. So well explained.

Lisa K.

Great picture. Why can't people just get it? She is your daughter and you love her like any mother loves their child. Love is love is love is love.

irshlas

I'm printing this and framing it. I may even hand out copies to strangers in grocery stores... with all due credit to you.:+) Thanks for taking the time to eloquently express the thoughts of so many of us!!

Paula

What a wonderful picture. And a wonderful mom.

Reese

The bit about Maya climbing onto your lap is the most precious story...

I'm so sorry that you're still having to fight these words and that it will be a lifelong battle. You are so eloquent and I really enjoy hearing your thoughts on all of this.

Mommela

With dearhearts who speak before thinking, I go all soft and quiet then explain how their words were unintentionally hurtful and that, while my head may understand what they mean, my heart is hurt nonetheless.

With the unthinking masses, I go back to Bree on Desperate Housewives. Bree may be prickly, but there are times to be prickly. There are times I go all ignorant and insist I don't know what they mean, continuing to ask them to explain until they get as uncomfortable with their own words as I am.

It takes the dearhearts some times to be more thoughtful with their words, but, generally, they're trainable.

Great photo!

CathyC

This is what I have believed for a long time. That your children are your children. It doesn't matter if they came from your body or someone else's or if they look just like you or not. Fate made those children yours. There is no rule that says children are yours only if they have your DNA. Fate overrides DNA rules.

newgirl

As to these ingrained words/comments -- UGG is right. And I was just as guilty until I started the adoption process. And this is giving me food for thought about being ready for the "you know what I mean" comments. Because while I might not be able to change attitudes in the world at large, I would like those close to me to truly understand as best they can.

AmyinMotown

I was in the midst of starting the adoption process when I got pregnant with my daughter, and if I had a dollar for every person who said "well, it's good you're having one of your own..." Depending on the situation, I would explain or just roll my eyes. I loved this post, and the story about Maya. Tell me you didn't melt into a little puddle.

Jo in Utah

"It's almost like they were reassuring themselves" You hit the nail on the head. I wondered if I could love my second child as much as I loved my first. And I wondered if I could love my adopted son like my biological children. It is different, so you wonder.I don't wonder anymore. He is a part of me, as much as any of my children. And shhh, don't tell my other kids, but that much more precious because of all the loss, tears, and the miracle of himself. They are reassuring themselves because they are not sure they could love a child like that.

Amy

Wonderful post. I always cringe when I hear people say "her real mom" or "her first mom". Giving birth does not make someone a mom. Those are stripes we earn as our child ends the circus performance by puking on us, or keeps us up all night with a raging fever, or... pats us on the chest and says, "Mama." This isn't a dig at women who give birth and choose adoption for the child... I admire their ability to make that choice. But mommies are made in the day-in and day-out stuff... not in biology.

Laura

You said it beautifully! We have one bio, age 10, and LID 05/15/06, and I often wonder if I will "love" Gracie like I do my Annie. In my heart and in my thoughts of her, I do. I don't believe it will be any different and perhaps even a bit more special. There are all different kinds of love. The love for my child makes my heart sing, dance and sometimes, cry. It is just so deep. I think if you feel that, your life is complete and never doubt it. Thank you for letting us view your lives with Maya and for being so open about your feelings. Take care.

Amy

Wonderful post. I always cringe when I hear people say "her real mom" or "her first mom". Giving birth does not make someone a mom. Those are stripes we earn as our child ends the circus performance by puking on us, or keeps us up all night with a raging fever, or... pats us on the chest and says, "Mama." This isn't a dig at women who give birth and choose adoption for the child... I admire their ability to make that choice. But mommies are made in the day-in and day-out stuff... not in biology.

Laura

You said it beautifully! We have one bio, age 10, and LID 05/15/06, and I often wonder if I will "love" Gracie like I do my Annie. In my heart and in my thoughts of her, I do. I don't believe it will be any different and perhaps even a bit more special. There are all different kinds of love. The love for my child makes my heart sing, dance and sometimes, cry. It is just so deep. I think if you feel that, your life is complete and never doubt it. Thank you for letting us view your lives with Maya and for being so open about your feelings. Take care.

Ivonne

Truly well written and wonderful. I just stumbled onto your website, thank you for posting. We are in the "embassy" phase of our adoption and I hope and pray that I have your wisdom in dealing with these types of statements. I am already so over-protective of our choice of becoming a family. We started our paperwork process on November 1st, 2005 and my love for this being that will enter our lives began much earlier than that! Thank you once again for your site, I hope to learn much more from you. Ivonne

Kevin & Laura

You said it beautifully! We have one bio, age 10, and LID 05/15/06, and I often wonder if I will "love" Gracie like I do my Annie. In my heart and in my thoughts of her, I do. I don't believe it will be any different and perhaps even a bit more special. There are all different kinds of love. The love for my child makes my heart sing, dance and sometimes, cry. It is just so deep. I think if you feel that, your life is complete and never doubt it. Thank you for letting us view your lives with Maya and for being so open about your feelings. Take care.

Kevin & Laura

You said it beautifully! We have one bio, age 10, and LID 05/15/06, and I often wonder if I will "love" Gracie like I do my Annie. In my heart and in my thoughts of her, I do. I don't believe it will be any different and perhaps even a bit more special. There are all different kinds of love. The love for my child makes my heart sing, dance and sometimes, cry. It is just so deep. I think if you feel that, your life is complete and never doubt it. Thank you for letting us view your lives with Maya and for being so open about your feelings. Take care.

sadie

we really like boxes in this here world, huh?

As a new mom through adoption I am getting my share of the sweet, supportive, clueless-but-well-intentioned variety.

My MIL informed me beforehand that she would "love any child we adopted just as much" as any bio grandchild. Yes, the intentions were good, supportive and sweet, and yet... the fact that she felt the need to say anything unasked in the first place made me feel... startled. and well, like dirt. Second class.

If you put that sentiment towards other things, such as race, you get much more alarming results: "Don't worry, Rhonda. You're just as pretty as the white girls."

In addition, Babygirl was extremely premature. 1.5 lbs at 24 weeks. Her birthmother had survived a horrendous, traumatic ordeal to have her. Babygirl was in the NICU for 100 days and had no one before we became a family when she was 3 months old(still not due adjusted age). I was shocked at the number of nurses who would come over to her isolette where my husband and I cradled her for 18 hours a day, 7 days a week for 2 weeks, crying over the miracle we thought she was just for existing, and for all 3 of us having found each other in this crazy world, to tell us, "oh! now you'll get pregnant!"
I would politely correct them even though it made me impatient. I couldn't believe they wanted to discuss pregancy NOW. I had as little interest in getting pregnant as any new mother. But I'd say, "Well, the thing is I have an autoimmune blood clotting disease which caused 8 miscarriages." Thinking naively that that would solve it, so we could get back to the all-important act of baby worshipping.
But they'd inevitably reply, earnestly, "Miracles happen!!!"
To which I'd reply(feeling all the more desperate for their kind intentions), "MY MIRACLE IS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!" It hurt my heart to the core to HAVE TO SAY THAT.

I feel this weird pressure to prove(or, if not to prove, to SHOW pepople) how deep my love for my little girl is. Because I want it to be CLEAR. To her more than anyone.

spacemom

That "own" thing is odd. We stongly considered adoption and it was in the plan if we did not conceive a second child. We wanted two children of our own. Not of our own biology, but two children to raise with our ideas and love.

I think you have written a great peice on the "loving just like your own". Maybe you could show this to your friends?

I love that photo

Miss Cellania

All good points. Does anyone dare point out that its amazing how we can love our husbands, even though we aren't blood relations?

Katherine

I'm not a mother (yet) but even before my IF, I never understood how people could think this way about adoption vs bio. But I think you are doing everything right, for yourself and for your family. Just recently I read an article that said Brad Pitt really wanted to have a son with Angelina Jolie. Now we can't know if he actually said that - I certainly hope not! But the voice behind that comment doesn't acknowledge that B&A already have a son together and that really made my blood boil.
Love is love - plain and simple. Who is anybody to attempt to assess a mother's love for her child? It's absurd.

baggage

I really have never understood the concept because as Miss Cellania above points out..we love people that we are not related to all the time. Why should children be even different? In fact, shouldn't loving a child be even easier in some ways?

Anyway, I love you guys. :)

Round is Funny

Oh, yes.

Sung

I agree with you regarding those particular comments. However, I would have to admit, I probably would of used them prior to my own IF. Adoption was not something I gave thought to, particularly as certain asian cultures (one I am associated with) have not generally been very supportive of it. Or if it is done, it is done in total secrecy. Now that I have experienced IF, I am very sensitive to the way others view adoption.

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