Cheek

Stuffs*

It's been a while since I've had the headspace to sit down and compose something that isn't a murk of pitiful junk. The last two weeks have been a blur of doctor's appointments, no sleep, time outs, and increasing distress at the thought of going back to work.

To catch you up quickly: Chloe is sleeping like buttah. She goes down around 11 pm, swaddled up nice n' tight (thank you Internets and Happiest Baby!). She then sleeps for about 4-5 hours (last night it was SIX!) without a peep, and then I feed her, and she goes back down for a bit. MP barges into our room at 6:45 AM (otherwise known as ButtCrackAM in this house) with immediate and protracted whining about how she would like to go downstairs, so she's sent off to her room while I try to grumpily adjust to the next 13 hours and two kids without help.

Chloe (AKA Growler Monkey, Pip, and Fussy McGillicutty) weighs about 11 lbs, 4 oz, which is fantastico. She still nurses constantly some days, but then breaks the pattern the next day and gives me room to breathe. The days after she cluster nurses, she seems to have gained a lot overnight, so I think she's growth spurting like crazy. She barely fits into her newborn clothes anymore and she's almost in size 2 diapers, which makes me weepy and proud all at the same time. I'm still exclusively breastfeeding and all sorts of things have gotten easier--Chloe is a much better latcher (and can even do it herself once in a while), it doesn't hurt, and I've successfully NIP'ed many, many times already--in the movie theatre, Wee Play (a giant emporium of toys where kids can run around like maniacs), in my backyard whilst chatting with the neighbors, in my car in a parking lot, at my daughter's 3rd birthday party. Only once have I looked down in horror to see my boob. I use the Bebe Au Lait (a nursing cover) because when you're this big your baby's head doth not cover much.

My finger, afflicted with something called a pyogenic granuloma (basically, a growth made up of capillaries; your body tries to heal a cut and weirdly and randomly 'overheals' itself and the tissue pops out of your skin--verrrrrry cute, lemme tell you), got steadily grosser and I was ordered to visit my primary care physician pronto. He laughed in my face and gave me the name of a dermatologist, who also laughed in my face. Meanwhile, the thing got bigger and bigger and bled more and more. Finally I got an appointment with a plastic surgeon, who told me that "it was the worse he'd ever seen" and who elected to burn it over the course of a week with silver nitrate. My finger turned black and looked as if it might rot off. MP told me "I think your booboo is kind of yucky" and said "ewwww" whenever she saw it. Finally my plastic surgeon (I can't tell you how much I wanted to ask him his rates for tummy tucks) excised the bugger and stitched up my finger, so now I have a frankenfinger and MP still grimaces in horror everytime she sees it (which is all the time, since I am not allowed to wear any more bandages). The thing is stitched up with black wire and now it looks like I've got a large spider perched on the end of my damaged finger; I have jolted more than once from alarm thinking this and snapped Chloe out of her nursing reverie. Plus it catches on everything and I find myself pulling tiny snagged threads from my finger all day long. I will not be getting a manicure for a while.

MP is going through a lovely stage where all it seems she does is whine, throw fits, and declare items in the house hers ("Is this mine? Who bought this?"--the other day whilst talking with my father MP demanded that when he visit he bring her a present). Our reaction to the insane amount of toys and gifts that she has (her birthday was recent) and her attitude about possessions has been to take some of her toys and put them away, to which she has no reaction whatsoever ("that's okay," she says, "you can throw it out. You can buy me more. Don't worry about it"). Writing it sounds funny, but when it happens I find myself bristling with annoyance that she could be turning a bit bratty. She gets in trouble constantly at daycare (she goes once a week, twice if I have to work). She's so sweet most of the time, and hungry for attention, and I know it must be really, really tough to go from being the center of everything to big sister, so we're trying to make her feel special and extra loved. She's amazing with Chloe--I couldn't ask for a better helper.

Here are the two girls together--Chloe was trying to nurse on MP's arm, heh. In the final picture in this set (I took about 50) Chloe has her mouth wide open and is angrily dive-bombing for MP's shoulder. MP's reaction: "It's okay, baby can eat my arm." 

The next post I write will be the birthstory, because if I wait any longer I'm going to forget things and that would suck. And hopefully it won't be another four years before I can write it.   

*Stuffs because MP says that instead of "Stuff."

As Dora Says--YOU DID IT!

HOLY CANOLI!

After reading a bunch of your responses to my last post, I gathered the following information:

1. If I need to, I can put Chloe in bed somewhere ELSE, besides her bassinet. Like--her car seat. Or her vibraty bouncer.
2. I need to try REALLY swaddling Chloe. Even if she kicks at the swaddling, it doesn't mean she wants it off. It just means it might not be tight enough.
3. Despite all of this lying-on-top-of-me and nursing a lot, what she's up to is normal.

I did start to notice a couple of days ago that Chloe has slowed down a bit with nursing. It wasn't every hour, constantly, anymore--it was more like a stretch of nursing, two or three hours straight, and then breaks of every couple of hours. But I didn't want to get too excited because she's had moments of that before. But she definitely seems to be slowing down with how much she needs to nurse--I've showered every day for three days (even though I haven't been able to do my hair yet), and I've actually had time with MP (we "made" cookies--well, okay, broke them on the scored dough lines--and made mac n' cheese--from SCRATCH, yo). And two days ago my boobs actually GOT ENGORGED, which hasn't happened since I gave birth because she hasn't allowed it to happen.

And then there was last night, and today.

After reading your comments  I decided we'd try to put Chloe in her bouncer instead of her bassinet, and that I'd swaddle her tight. Then I ordered "Happiest Baby on the Block" and crossed my fingers and toes.

After nursing her around 11:00 she started to look very tired. I wrapped her up in her Swaddle Me as tightly as I could, despite her furious protests. After about three minutes, she stopped kicking and squirming and started her sleepy eye-roll (where her eyes roll back into her head and she struggles to stay awake). I popped in a binky and placed her very gently in her bouncer, which I put right next to the head of my bed. Then I scooted into bed and laid down, waiting for the cry.

None came. NONE CAME!!!!

FOUR HOURS LATER she woke up with her squeaking; I had awoken a minute before, anticipating she'd wake up--DUDE! Four hours! This has never happened! I picked her up and nursed her off one boob. She fell back asleep. It was around 4 AM. She woke up again at 6 AM, nursed for about an hour and a half, and went back to sleep until 10:00 AM.

She nursed on and off until about three, with awake periods and a long period where she smiled at me--our first smiles are just now happening, and they are BLISS--and then at 3 I put both her and MP down for a nap. I read "Happiest Baby" for about ten minutes and then went to sleep myself UNTIL 5:30. It's now 6:40 and Chloe is STILL sleeping--in fact, I need to go wake her up.

I have you guys to thank. No telling how tonight will go, but last night and today were about as perfect as I think they can get.

And today I was cleared at my postpartum checkup, too, and given the mini pill. My finger is disgusting, though--even worse than before--my primary care doctor put silver nitrate on it to stop the bleeding, but refused to take it out since it's so close to my nail bed. But I have a dermatology appointment tomorrow so hopefully the doctor will excise the effer out of there and I'll have a nice chunk missing from my finger. Three doctor's appointments in a row. MP will be so excited, poor thing.

At least she's got a rested Mama!

 

So...This is What It's Like To Lose Your Mind

A typical morning (this all happened this morning):

7 AM: Roll Chloe off of me, from her perch on my chest/belly, where she's been napping/nursing all night long because she refuses, NO WAY MA'AM, to go into her bassinet. Lie her next to me, up againt me, and try to fall back asleep. Check MP on monitor. Still asleep.

8:00 AM: Awake with sickening realization that I have crushed my child with my boobs. Nope, still breathing. Check monitor. MP is awake, playing quietly on bed with the twenty-odd toys she insists on sleeping with. Nurse Chloe a bit. Snuggle up again.

9:30 AM: Awake with sickening realization that I have crushed my child with my boobs. Nope, still breathing. Get up ssssslllllloooooowwwwwwllllly. Check monitor. MP is still playing nicely. Love that child. Start walking to bathroom, pondering options. Shower? I will have to get the bouncer from downstairs. Get MP first? Then she will have to have her juice and "snack" which requires me going downstairs, i.e. taking Chloe. But I need a shower--it's been, oh, two days.

9:31 AM: Chloe starts the screaming. No need to wake her, then! Yay!

9:31 AM: Get Chloe, go into MP's room. She immediately asks if we can go downstairs and get her snacky and juice. I tell her yes. We go get items and bring them back up amidst her protests.

9:40 AM: Ah, time to take a shower. I set up bouncer in bathroom, put baby in bouncer, undress....

9:41 AM: And baby starts screaming. MP comes in. "I can't hear my show!" she says, and tries to put one of the 14 binkies lying around in Chloe's mouth. Who angrily spits it out. Rubber nipple? NO WAY NO HOW MA'AM.  GIMME THE FLESHIE.

9:42 AM: I decide to nurse Chloe quick, then take shower. Take her out of bouncer, load lardass self onto bed (hard to do with co-sleeper in way), watch as bottom sheet flies off mattress for 1,000,000,000th time.

9:43 AM: Chloe divebombs the boob. (Joke: In November who will Chloe be rooting to win? Answer: Chloe always ROOTS FOR THE BOOB.)

10:00 AM: Chloe falls off boob, satisfied for a minute or two.

10:01 AM: Is this my chance for a shower? I hightail it into bathroom, plunk her into bouncer, hop into shower, take speed demon shower.

10:07 AM: Get out of shower (Chloe is screaming) and pick up baby, who immediately ceases crying and starts her favorite activity besides nursing, which is bobbing for booby.

10:08 AM: Give Chloe other boob.

10:20 AM: MP clamoring to go downstairs. J the dog shooting me mournful glances of need for urination. I unlatch my sleeping daughter, pick up Chloe, decide she needs to be changed before we go downstairs.

10:21 AM: Changing Chloe. There is poop. Projectile poop! More! And even more! And...just when you thought it was safe to pull the dirty diaper away to switch with the new diaper----more poop! Oh, the poop! A ballet of poop! And then...spit up! All over Chloe's face, her hair, the changing pad....

10:30 AM: Change Chloe's poopy onesie (already changed from other poopy onesie at 6 AM this morning) to cute outfit. Look down, notice blood everywhere. SHIT, finger has burst again. I have something called pyogenic granuloma. I've had it for a while but had no time to get it looked at. It bleeds all the time, so I have to wear bandaids constantly. It's gotten worse in the past week, infected and huge. I tell myself that at least it's not on my face like that guy in the photo. Wrap finger in wipe. Blood everywhere. Pick new outfit for Chloe. Dress Chloe. 

10:35 AM: Decide to get dressed. Look at self in mirror. Hair is a rat's nest. Makeup has run all over face. I look like a frizzy ghoul.

10:40 AM: Dressed in latest nursing mother fashion (maternity pants worn four days in row to hide unsightly back of leg rashes, Target tank top, frayed already nude bra showing). Chloe screaming. Pick her up, she barfs all over me, down the front of my shirt into my bra, all over my clean self. Wipe with towel. Oh well. I've heard breastmilk is good for skin, hope same holds true for regurgitated breastmilk. 

10:41 AM: MP is holding out bottle of cream saying over and over "PLEASE I HAVE SOME? PLEASE! PLEASE!!!!!!" Noggin not doing its job--MP is not sufficiently distracted or glazed over yet.

10:42 AM: Decide to take care of MP. Change her soaking diaper, get her clothes out. She runs away laughing, won't come over to me. Then she takes her shirt and prances off laughing even as she sees me grow increasingly frustrated (finger bleeding, dog barking, Chloe screaming). I tell her to stop, take shirt away, she screams, I tell her it's time out, I go into hallway and shut her door.

10:42 AM: She starts throwing herself against door, banging as hard as she can, screaming "NOOOOO!" at the top of her lungs and crying.

10:43 AM: Have talk with MP about her behavior. Reflect on the talk I had with her yesterday because she is touching herself a lot--and not just to check things out-- (Me: We touch our nonnies in our rooms, alone. We don't touch our nonnies in public where other people are. Does Mommy touch her nonny so you can see? Horrified I have to have a masturbation conversation with my not-even-three-year-old).

11:45 AM: Finally make it downstairs to take J out, feeding Chloe as I do so (so what if the neighbors see boob). Picking up poop with nursing child is hard! Door blocked by incredibly large box--MP's sandbox for her birthday present has arrived. Can't move it inside. Oh well. Get sling out and plop Chloe into it. Ahhhhhhhhh.

No wonder I have lost 36 lbs already (but still can't fit into anything). No wonder I look like hell on a stick. No wonder my house is a wreck. I am in awe of every woman before me who did this.

***************

I have a question, after all of that:

How do I get Chloe to sleep somewhere other than on top of me? Anyone else have this problem? What did you do?

She will sleep for a few hours every night, but never on her own. I try putting her in the co-sleeper and resting my hand there, but she screams. The minute I put her on top of me she stops. But she can't sleep on top of me forever, so if anyone has any assvice I'm all ears. And bleeding finger.

EDITED TO ADD: We've tried swaddling, sleep positioner, and the swing. She hates them all--will kick off swaddling (or scream if it's a special swaddler thing).

AND EDITED AGAIN: Won't let a newborn CIO...haven't read "Happiest Baby" yet, will now....and we have a swing already that she isn't too excited about--is the Amby Baby really, really worth it? Is it going to help, or will it just be another piece of clutter? There are none available on Craigslist in my area, but I could get one off of ebay for cheaper.

...And Back to No Sleep.

Right after I posted about how great it was, yadda yadda that I got sleep, blah blah Chloe decided to pull two all-nighters in a row. So there you go, she must've read the blog and been all "yo mama don't get all comfy now."

Last night I was sneaky like and decided instead of putting her back in her co-sleeper that I'd just let her nurse and then fall asleep on me and then wake up and nurse, rinse and repeat. So she slept on me all night long and I actually got a little sleep. She much prefers sleeping on top of me than sleeping anywhere else. I don't know how long we can keep this up but right now if it's the only way I get sleep I'll do it.

The thing I love most about nursing is that it feels so powerful. As in--Chloe's crying, having a fit, inconsolable (let's say we just tried to give her a bath--HA! The girl HATES baths of any type. We are mostly just giving her wipe-downs). Random hands her to me and she stops crying almost immediately. Then she roots. Then I give her boob and she's in bliss. She makes this big racking sigh (the kind you have after a long cry) and her eyelashes are all wet and I am so hard in love.

Her poops are projectile and have already spattered me a number of times. Today she pooped so hard it leaked through her diaper, onesie, blanket, our sheet, ending up on our mattress. The only *good* thing about this poop is that it doesn't smell. But man, it gets EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I'm just standing at the changing table grabbing wipe after wipe as Chloe poops and pees all over herself and then projectile poops on me and the wipes container and then pees again--it's a good thing MP is around to help out, which she is so good at.

(Funny MP sidetrack--Today Random was changing MP's pull up and she said her nonny was itchy. (Nonny is our word for female parts.) He said "yeah, it looks like someone has been scratching it." She said, "Yes, I have been scratching it all the time. It makes my nonny feel better." She was so logical about it. She was also playing with a wooden sausage at the time and she asked if she could put it in Random's pocket, which of course sent us into hysterics.

She also can't sit still during dinner--she has to, as she puts it, "wiggle her butt." She stands up and wiggles her butt back and forth and when we ask her to stop and sit down she says "AWWWW, but I need to wiggle my butt." Which of course makes us laugh so she wiggles more. (For the record, my butt is "too big" to wiggle correctly.) 

She also told Random yesterday that when she grows up she's going to have big nipples.

And finally, when Chloe and MP and I went to the store the other day, I loaded Chloe's car seat into the cart. It took up most of the room so I started piling stuff around MP (who was sitting in the kid seat part.) MP started looking all distressed at the piling stuff and said "ayuda me" which means "help" in Spanish (she learned it on Dora. She can also count to ten in Spanish). The kid is hilarious.)

Anyway, back to the babe--I think we've got thrush. She's spitting up all the time, and it's curdy looking. Her poops aren't mucosy so I don't think it's a milk allergy. And nursing has begun to hurt like holy hell. She's latching well and I hear lots of swallowing, but my boobs are shiny and pink and very, very sore when they had actually started feeling okay a couple of weeks ago. We just got a prescription for nystatin, so we'll see if that helps the pain.

Here's some recent pics.

  1. Those are TOES. 2. I took 72 pictures of her in this pose. 3. MP's favorite place to be--the water (there's a lake near our house with a wading pool for the kids).