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This is my first time commenting, but I wanted to let you know that my daughter is about the same age as Maya and she doesn't cry when we leave either. She's been with us since birth and I stay home with her and she doesn't seem to mind when we leave her places she feels comfortable. She has never been one to cry when I leave. Every once in a while when she is tired she gets kind of clingy to me, but other than that, she's pretty easy going. Don't worry!


Sounds like bonding to me - child from orfanariam starts off by testing you to see that you keep coming back, becomes confident in the fact that you will, but needs mom at bedtime.

Lea Anne

As an adoptive parent, you constantly worry about things like attachment, how to handle stupid comments from well meaning or evil people, and what the future will bring. I personally worry about Grace rejecting me when she's older. When she realizes that she doesn't look like us, that someone else gave birth to her, when she hits the teenage years and naturally starts to pull away. Will I ever be able to let her know just how much I longed for her, how she made my heart complete, how I love her just as much as her biological brother. What happens if she doesn't believe me.

The fact that MP only wants you to put her to bed is good. She isn't quite old enough to have the seperation anxiety and you also have to realize that with her past, she may be quite used to people coming and going. She may have already learned that you will come back.


Dude, I can't even begin to imagine the complexity of the issues around attachment etc, but may I just say that both my kids do not bat an eyelid when I leave them with their grandparents. Mother who?

In fact, my mother and I were speaking about it the other day; and although my kids love me very much, the cold hard sad truth is that at this age, if god forbid something had to happen to me, they would be pretty much ok with granny / nanny etc. And these are two kids whose two favourite words are mommymommymommymommymommy and uppyuppyuppyuppyuppy.

I had a moment's twinge of "shit, can't believe they don't / wont even miss me", but then thought how cool it is that they are so ok without me.

You and Random are good enough parents times a million, believe me.

Big smooch


Gideon doesn't cry when we're gone, and he is a biological child. He gets upset if he sees us leave, but if we just sneak off he never even notices. And when we get back he's happy to see us, but it's pretty much like if we went to the kitchen to get a snack and came back.


At 18 months, my daughter (who has been with me since Day One) still will not refer to me by "mommy" or any other word indicating a maternal figure. Dada, yes. Granddad, yes. "Mommy" is really just code for "primary feeding unit," and I get treated as such. It's just how they are. ;)


Yeah, My daughter, almost 2 and with us a little over a year, NEVER cared if I left her, provided I left her with GRANDMA!!! She doesn't even care if I'm in the country as long as GRANDMA is around. And she had this feeling since day 1 (My parents came with us to China to pick her up). Grandma is the beacon of all that is wonderful as far as my daughter is concerned. But you know, at the end of the day, when it's time to go home, my daughter comes to me and says, "home, Mom, home...nap".

Stephanie V

Try to have patience friend, it hasn't even been 3 months yet. Think of all the progress she's already made in such a short amount of time. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it takes time - not for us, but them. It's tough, you love them so much, but try to put everthing into perspective and don't be hard on yourself. It'll happen.


My bio daughter (just turned two) has never had an OUNCE of anxiety when I left her. Not a bit. And it has hurt my feelings! But her personality is very independent and spunky (kind of like Maya's, it sounds like), and I've decided she's just very confident. I know I'll be thankful for this someday, even if it stings a bit now!


Enjoy the break while you can. I was convinced that DS didn't care whether we were around or not when he was younger. Now he's going through a phase that has kept us from leaving the house together, without him in tow, for months.


It could just be a personality thing. She seems independent and that's a good thing! She might also see how you react to strangers (a little more concerned) than with grandparents and takes cues after you.

She seems like she is adjusting wonderfully.


I really think (after watching my two little ones the past 3 years) that kids just know Grandma & Grandpa. My mom has suggested that maybe there is a family smell (?yikes) or perhaps they sound like we do (is your voice similar to your mom's?), or else kids simply pick up on the bond we have with our parents, but they just know they are going to be okay. This is especially true (in my experience) with the mommy's parents. I really just think that she is like all babes, and knows that grandma & grandpa are awesome and she doesn't have to be looking over her shoulder for you. I remember my mom & dad leaving me with my grandparents that lived many hours away from us, and I never felt afraid (and I was a pretty fearful child), despite the infrequency of our visits.

Glad you had a chance for a little break with your hubbie - those are important!


Sounds to me that she's just really secure, knows that you'll always be back, and that you wouldn't leave her with someone that you didn't think is top notch. She trusts you!



Karen, just want to tell you that I am right there with you. No matter how "normal" this supposedly is, how typical it may be for some children, it is still bothersome. I understand and I sympathize. Camille is not particularly bothered either if we leave her with someone else (which we did for the first time today, incidentally). You're right, this bonding thing is still a work in progress. So we keep working on it, I guess. Wish there was an easy way to tell it's "done", finished, complete.

Andrea w/Camille


We have been home with our daughter since last Nov. and I'll tell you, give it some time. I thought that everything was going so well and that she was so bonded to us, and then like 2 months ago, it was like someone flipped a switch and all of a sudden, she was even more attached to us. She would start laughing about something, then look at me to see if I would laugh with her...and she looks me dead in the eyes, now. The experts say that it takes the same time for children to attach to you that they spent before they knew you...for us we met Sarah when she was one year and on Oct. 31st we had our first "gotcha" anniversary. It is truer for us than I wanted to admit, but trust me, it does get better. Building trust will take some time and one day you'll wake up and look at her and say, "wow, it's like someone flipped a switch inside of her!"


My son was 14 months when we adopted him from Korea and I sooo understand how you feel. We honestly feel it took a year for him to realize we were staying. He would go to my sister and not me and I would CRY my eyes out. He is now the MOST loving 9 year old so it does happen, some kids just take a little longer. I do agree that she is bonding with you...MP is just doing it in her own sweet time. You are a great mom so do not worry. She loves you as she wants you to be the last person she sees each day;)


My son is 19 months old and he never really cried when I left him with people, particularly not people I was comfortable leaving him with (like my parents for example) so I personally don`t think you should give yourself a hard time about MP`s lack of attachment to you!! Nowadays he barely bats an eyelid when I leave him at daycare and I have to admit it makes me feel a little bit sad that it isn`t just Mummy he wants to be with, anyone who pays him attention will do!!


I totally get what you are saying. My DD is home almost one year and I finally enrolled her in nursery school, two days a week for three hours. Not only did she NOT cry when I left her (she was too intent on finding the rabbit they keep there as a pet) when I came to get her and take her home she threw a major fit. Screaming. Crying. Like going home with me was the worst possible ending to this episode. Like my self esteem doesn't take enough hits on a daily basis.
But I agree with some of the others. She has only recently begun to spontaneously give me kisses. I have been giving her smooches on an hourly basis (almost) since we met her a year ago, but I never got one in return. Now, at one year, it's like she has decided, ok, you can be my parents and I will love you. I feel like I passed a test I didn't know I was taking.
Hang in there, she is attached to you, now she will learn to love you. Forever love you.


It's entirely possible that your little one is just a very good baby who feels secure in knowing you are Mama, and you wouldn't leave her. So she's ok with a few hours away--you are coming back.


I don't want to mitigate the feelings you're having as an adoptive mom, but I just want to add to the moms who are sharing, saying their babies don't bat their pretty eyelashes when momma leaves.

Daisy is 8 months old and goes to nearly anyone. And you're not an evil wench for wanting to be wanted. Sounds like a mom to me.


I understand that it is hard. I think one of the reasons I want so much for you to write about all of this is because I was adopted as an infant, and I am fascinated by the bonding process from the mama's point of view. I was adopted at one month though-- so, it was different in many respects.

My bio son cried and cried when I left him at this age-- and I wondered if he was insecurely attached. It devastated me. I thought that if he were securely attached, he wouldn't cry. I think every kid is different, but my first thought up on reading this (and this has been echoed in the comments) is that she was behaving very much like a child who was very securely attached.


I think Ollie is right. My friends 3 yr old is exactly like that. Always has been. She's a bio child, BTW, so it isn't an adoption thing. It is a kid thing. My 2 kids are the same way if I leave them with their grandmother. Mommy who?


PS-- I wanted to add: it's good that you feel like an evil whench. That is the sign of a great mother. What kind of mother would you be if you never worried about anything? You are doing things right. Repeat that to yourself.


keep smooching...she'll get it... I think your instincts are right on.

Mary, mom to 8 (4 adopted)


I'm not an adoptive parent, but I will tell you that it made me secretly happy when my MIL tried to feed my son and he cried until I took him from her. That was the first time he had shown any preference for me. I think it's natural for us to want that.

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