Thank You's, and Fresh Starts, and Other Stuff

First--thank you so much for your words of comfort, for your advice (not so assvicey) and your virtual hugs. It's been really, really hard here these past few days. During the two weeks when we didn't know what was going on (something on my mom's kidney, but they weren't sure if it was encapsulated or not, then thought it was and they'd just remove the kidney), I was doing okay--fingers in ears, blinders on, lalalalalalalalala. Once we heard that the tumor wasn't encapsulated, that it was possibly in her lungs, the fingers plopped out of my ears and all of a sudden I was on the Train To Hell. Every stop produced more and more horrible thoughts and I couldn't get off it no matter what I did--all I could think about was all the horror that we'd be in for, and it just got worse and worse as I went further into it. But I threw myself into teaching regardless (seniors in high school have this funny way of making you temporarily forget your problems--most of them are so funny and awesome), and I threw myself into the kids (so when MP woke up crying because she couldn't find her "red top"--which turned out to be the top to a bubble bath container, I.E. "garbage" she had reimagined as a toy, I simultaneously thought "you're CRYING about GARBAGE while my MOM IS SICK???" and "THANK GOD you are crying about garbage." 

Anyway, my father just became a US citizen after 43 years of living in this country, my brother is visiting my parents, and my mother seems to be doing a bit better. I sent flowers and chocolate and all of my love, and on Monday she'll go for a biopsy and hear the results late next week. So I'm learning to breathe again till then. And hoping against hope that those spots in her lungs are just bits of scar tissue from the pneumonia she's had. Thanks again for all of your lovin'--it reminds me why I still keep this here blog.

As for fresh starts, I'll be making one soon. My brother designs websites now, and he's offered to design mine for free with a new Internet address, the whole shebang. The new address will be www.gotcheek.com, but you'll be redirected there from here. I'm not sure when it will launch, but once it does I expect I'll be posting more and resurrecting my balls from the cold dark ground where I buried them two years ago with the closing of NO. I'm tired of censoring myself, of caring what other people think so much. My writing has suffered because I'm not blogging more, and I quit just as things were getting good for me. So I'm going to try a comeback. Heh. Such as it is.

In Other Stuff, MP is a freaking awesome big sister, Chloe is 5 months and still nursing, although we've added veggies, fruit, and rice cereal to her diet, since she's a voracious little thing. This has not affected how much she nurses, like the doctors said it would. She loves to eat. She loves to nurse the most, and I am obsessed with it and slightly maniacal now--the little huffing panting sound she makes when I get ready to nurse and she knows nummies are coming, the way she frantically sucks if she thinks I'm going to pull her off after a bit of inactivity, the way she clutches at my bra strap----melllllllllllllllttttt. MP is learning her letters--she can identify all of them--and she's loving and sweet and funny and so, so smart. And she has an incredible memory--if you say she can have a jellybean in a week if she's good she'll hold you to it all week long. I have to pinch myself every day--I am just so lucky in the kid department.

Thanks again for sticking around. I plan on getting back into the Blogworld, reading more, commenting again, all that good stuff, too--because there are some of you that I really, really miss. The break's been good for me but I need to come back.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. And thanks again for being here.

Comments

[Beth]

So happy to hear about some of the bright spots. I will hope along with you that the biopsy shows the best possible results.

I, too, have a 3.5 year old and an infant (although she's quite a bit older than Chloe). Sibling relationships are a total riot to watch unfold and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't remark about the fact that I was utterly, completely wrong to ever worry about upsetting the balance of my first's life by introducing the potentially dreaded younger sibling. Such joy they find in each other!

Also very glad to hear that you'll be finding your way back into the blog world more. We're just glad you're back in whatever way works for you!

Happy Thanksgiving! (I'm on the West Coast so my holiday hasn't really commenced; I'm not just being antisocial and checking blogs in the middle of it ;) ).

[Jessica (from It's my life...)]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your mom and your family in my thoughts.
And on a terribly selfish note I'm thrilled that you'll be a more active blogger soon. I love reading about your sweet kiddos.

Hope your enjoying this Thanksgiving despite all the sadness and stress.

[C]

All the best to you and your family. Sending healthy vibes to mom.

[JuliaKB]

yup-- the sounds of nursing, and the gentle little hands touching the boob or the strap, or the necklace, complete heaven. Got that going on right now as I am nursing by my laptop in between the dinner courses.

My thoughts are with you and your family as you await the biopsy and the results.

[Jen]

I'm so so sorry to hear about your mom. I can only imagine how hard things must be right now. I hope you know that we're all pulling for your family. I'm glad that the kids help keep you sane at this point and know that if you need to vent, or do anything, all you have to do is write and we have your back. Hugs coming at you even though it sounds stupid. Having a grandfather who went through cancer of the bladder and had an asshole of a doctor, I'm still traumatized by it, but knowing that he knew we were all there with him I think helped somehow. It also makes you very thankful for those times that we have with those very specia people in our lives. I hope that you had a good thanksgiving and you are all in my thoughts.

[Sharon]

Just keep taking those deep breath's-I am praying things will good for all of you. Your family is awesome and they will help keep you sane even when the going gets tough!

[Stephanie]

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Heidi]

Thinking of you and your mom. Hugs.

[Cassey]

yay for the silver thread in the sky

[lizard]

I am so glad to hear all of this.... the change in attitude looks good on you! I am mostly excited that you are going to be blogging more and back to your old self. I love the kid posts, too, but the old NO was so much fun.

I hope things go well for your mom, and congrats to your dad for becoming a citizen!

And all kids save garbage as toys. Mine cries piteously, also, when I am so unkind as to throw away the garbage. It's really kind of cute, in a I-wish-my-house-wasn't-so-filled-with-garbage kind of a way.

and finally, woo hoo on the nursing!! that is so fabulous, after all the early struggles. You should be really really proud of yourself for sticking with it because it was what you wanted to do, even when it would have been easier to stop. Yay for you and Chloe!!

[Tine]

It's so good to hear from you again. And you're amazing me with your ability to find small blessings in a Scary Time. Good for you -- and good example for me.

I know exactly what you mean about the nursing mania. There's just nothing quite like it, eh? :)

[AmyinMotown]

Karen, I will be praying for your mom. What a tough thing. As far as "How do you be a mom when your world is crumbling?" -- as it seems you have found out, you just do. You take your joy in these wonderful little kids and you use it to buoy you though the really awful spots. And you give yourself, and them, lots of love and gentle treatment.

[Laura]

I've missed you! Glad you're back. I will be praying for good news about your mom. Wonderful to hear that things are good with the kids!

[Patti]

Karen - just wanted to send my support to you as well. My dad had bladder cancer 5 years ago and they feared spread to his kidney so they removed that as well. He's doing great now and I pray that is the same outcome for your mom. I work for the American Cancer Society and hear stories of survival, miracles, every day! It's truly how I keep doing what I do - the cancer survivors are amazing with their stories of HOPE. Please also know there have been so many advances in cancer treatment through clinical trials and new drugs that people are living longer and there have been cures also. We like to say we are winning the war on cancer one battle at a time.

If I can help please don't hesitate to e-mail me. Or call the ACS 1-800 number (1-800-ACS-2345). They have a wealth of resources they can send you and your family.

Lots of prayers coming your way!

[Stephanie]

Ack! The breastfeeding descrip made me miss it for almost 4 whole seconds! ;) I can't wait to read "Cheek -- Now with added Balls!". I have certainly enjoyed girly, soft, curvaceous, self-censored Karen, but as an NO veteran, I KNOW you have some killer hard edged snark just waiting to be unleashed. Oh let me have it baybee!

[moonwater]

So, so sorry to hear about your mother. Bad news is always harder around the holidays -- it shatters our idealized versions of the holidays that we all secretly harbor no matter how snarky our exteriors may be.

So thrilled to hear that the girls are thriving also!! Mothering is part of this three way connection between yourself, your children and your own mother, though, and now you are losing part of that vital connection. Part of that braid will now be shot through with sadness and worry every day.

Love to hear more about the new blog when you have time.

[amy]

Hey Karen, so glad to hear you sounding so much more upbeat and positive. I am so sorry to read your mom is sick and wishing nothing but the best news. Keep us in the loop and take care of yourself.

[amy]

Hey Karen, so glad to hear you sounding so much more upbeat and positive. I am so sorry to read your mom is sick and wishing nothing but the best news. Keep us in the loop and take care of yourself.

[Lynn]

I am so excited that you are making a bigger return! And the no censoring part - GOOD FOR YOU! It's your blog - you should be able to say what YOU want. Honestly? I think that's what draws a lot of people your way (and Julie's, etc.) b/c you say what's on your mind. People value the honesty and openness...and if they don't like it - they can leave it - the beauty of the internet!

[Sunny]

I've followed your blog for awhile now, but this is my first time commenting.

My 18 year old nephew was dx with leukemia in July--and just like that we couldn't breath. We now call it "BC and AC" Before Cancer or After Cancer.

It takes a while to learn how to breath again...and for awhile it hurts, as you well know. The biggest surprise to me was how much each breath hurt. Slowly, the hurt starts to go away. Slowly, the breathing gets easier...but it's always AC.

[Kristy]

Thanks for the update. Thinking of you.

[BT_13_21]

Karen, oh how I wish we knew each other IRL. We're both freakishly tall IF vets w/ an internationally adopted child and a younger bio (same sex siblings to boot).

We both have super delish little ones... in fact I think they should get married some day. Maya would have to be ok w/ a slightly younger man (Zack was just 2 in Aug), but I don't think that's too big of a deal. See? Got it all planned out.

I also unexpectedly lost my dad to a brain anuersym in 04. I so hope you don't have to join the dead parents club too. That's one commonality I hope we won't share.

Looking forward to some old NO snark too. So glad you're back.

[Peggy]

Sorry about your mom. Hope the news is good next week.

Your girls sound adorable.

Used to love the NO. Happy you are coming back

[mandy]

Sending +++ thoughts for mom, dad and you. Even in chaos, you can keep it together because that is what moms do. Isn't it amazing the strength you find from within even when you don't feel strong?

I know how hard it is to keep up career, family AND blog. Something has to give and it is usually the blog and internet time. You probably have a routine down now and can afford to sneak 10 minutes or so for yourself.

I look forward to your comeback. Now, if we can only get you to do the next chapter in Infertile Mertyl's life. She made me laugh out loud!!!

[liz]

I'm so sorry about your mom.

[Kris]

Hi Sis!

It's your brother, sneaking in on your little territory. Wanted to send you my love and give you an update on the site. I've installed WordPress and I'll be working on the design the next few weeks. I just got myself a new place to live, so it's taking a little longer than expected. But when it's done, it will kick major butt. I hope it prompts you to write more, because it makes me feel closer to you when I read your posts. Weird, I know, but we've always been weird. I'll stay a lurker though, this is your exhale and not mine. Stay strong for me, Dad and Mom, and let's wish the best for Mom's op on the 16th.

Love Kris

[Tanya]

Hi Cheek!

Happy Holidays to you and the kidlets. I'm looking forward to an uncensored blogfest! To anyone who doesn't like it? Blaaah!

[Heather]

Big hugs and lots of love to you and your family. May your holidays be full of hope and joy.

P.S. If I could send you a virtual present, this is what it would be...
An ornament of "caulk" because it makes me laugh you see. :)

[Amy]

Knock knock, anyone there?