Cheek

My Pod Person Wrote This, Because the Real Me is Way Too Tired to Do Anything But Sleep

This week has been incredibly hard for a number of reasons.

Work is running me into the ground, By 4 pm I am so exhausted that I fall asleep on the couch amidst MP's yells of indignation--and I feel terrible, but I can't help it. Every moment from 4:30 am on is strictly regimented and leaves no room for anything unexpected; by the time 4 pm comes around I might as well be a zombie. So work is making me suck as MP's mom because all my energy is gone to the 125 other kids I'm responsible for.

And work is literally draining me. Yesterday I pumped an impressive 11.5 ounces in two sessions; today I had to pump twice as long for only 8 ounces. I hope that drop is temporary, because it doesn't do much for my Mama morale.

Finally, work is affecting my nursing relationship. Obviously Chloe gets two-three breastmilk bottles at daycare, which means 2-3 less feedings a day that I get with her. But it seems that instead of feeding more at home to make up for missed feedings, she's either A) feeding less or B) feeding about the same but fussing constantly. Tonight she cried from about 5 pm until ten minutes ago, which was 7:50. She fed, then spit up, then fussed, sometimes getting really angry, then refused me over and over, balling up her fists in fury. I almost lost it, but then there'd be three crying females in the house and I wanted to try to be the non-crier of reason. I tried not to take it personally. I failed. I almost feel like she's pissed at my boobs for not being there all the time for her, so she's taking it out on them by refusing to eat and allow them to calm her.

Ah, Chloe is crying again. So she was not crying for about ten minutes there. Hurrah! I suspect she has bad gas, and her spit up episodes are getting worse--today I'd estimate she spit up about 3-4 ounces total (on my work clothes before work, no less. And with my wardrobe so limited--I am still 10+ disgusting lbs over pregnancy weight--that's a can of suck right there). Those torrential geysery spit ups might also be why she gets so mad at my boob--it has nothing left and she's hungry again since she just spit up so much. So working has made our nursing relationship a lot more stressed for both of us.

It's no surprise, then, that my job is not my most favorite thing right now.

And for some reason I can't yet figure out, something inside me revolts at the idea of using formula. I think about it and get panicky and sick, like one bottle of formula would mean The End of Something Huge and Important. Even just thinking about supplementing with formula makes me want to throw up and curl in a small ball. I don't get why it's so freakishly giant to me, nursing, but there you go. I hate that my job has affected our breastfeeding relationship this way, I hate that my job makes me snappish with MP, who needs me so much right now, I hate that my job is cutting into time with Random--we haven't seen each other in four days, because by the time he gets home I'm asleep (around 8 pm. Yes, it's past my bedtime now).

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I yearn for the halcyon days where I was nursing 24/7 (I thought it was impossible and yearned for the time when Chloe would be quicker and more efficient; now I want to go back to where I made her feel good as opposed to angry). Those days where I was sequestered up in my bedroom, unable to do anything but feed my baby and hang with MP having "book picnics" in air-conditioned coolness. Now I'm dealing with a cranky, tired toddler, a crankier baby, and a truckload of work (lesson plans, anyone? Grading 125 papers? WOOHOO!) and almost no motivation or energy to do much once I leave work. Basically, all my good energy is going towards work. And it sucks. 

Anyway, onto the daycare shituation. We decided, after much thought, to stay with our current daycare. I read all of your replies and agreed with pretty much everything you said. But we do have a good relationship, and after talking with our provider I understood more about why they thought they couldn't do a great job with Chloe. They assured me that with the new person they hired they would be able to handle all of her needs. Plus: the new place would require me to get up twenty minutes earlier--thus, 4:10 am--and get both girls up twenty minutes earlier as well. MP is already impossible to awake at the ungodly hour of 6, and Chloe is equally reticent--the girl would now sleep 11 hours without eating overnight if she had her way. As it is I have to wake her up to get her to eat (and I hear your angry roars--how dare you wake a sleeping baby!--but really, she is sleeping from 8 am until 6 am with nary a peep, and then eats for ten minutes and crashes again, and although many of you probably hate me right now, that long stretch is not good for milk production--and if I'm still supposed to be feeding Chloe 7-8 times I day, I barely make it to 6 feedings unless I wake her at 5 am (she's somewhat restless then anyway). I try to feed her twice before leaving for work, and sometimes even feed her once I get to daycare; those are the best feedings we have. Except for when she pukes them all up, like she did today).

By Friday of that first week she was a calmer, happier baby at daycare, and they were figuring out how to zen her out, what she liked, and getting used to her. By Monday afternoon they were reluctantly handing her over, kissing her chubbo cheeks and extoling her baby virtues. So now she saves all of her pent up angst for me. Yeah! 

So. Anyone want to hire me to stay at home and freelance? I'm cheap, promise. 80K will get you as many blog entries as you want. Heh.

In much better news, tomorrow is MP's Adoption Day--our two-year anniversary. Two years ago we adopted the funniest, cutest, silliest, smartest, most wonderful little girl and I can't imagine having any other kid. She can be a handful (the twos have nothing on the threes) but she is such a sweet girl and is growing up to be so bright and funny I ache thinking that she might not have been ours if things had been different at any step of our long adoption journey. So I hope to finally publish her letter tomorrow, in honor of our 2-year family anniversary. To my just-potty trained (YEAH!), hysterical, smart, beautiful, helpful, wonderful big sister, I love you.

 

You. Will. Not. Believe. This.

I am completely flummoxed.

So I had a looooooonnng day yesterday. After shlepping the kids to the two daycare places I then went home, fed Chloe, then went BACK out to Kinko's to make copies because the copy machine at my school had broken and our first official day with kids was today. I spent 50$ on copies. GAH. Of course while I was there I had everything spread out on like forty tables and Chloe was sleeping and MP says "I have to go poo in the potty" right as I am starting a mammoth copy job....THAT was so fun. And then MP picks up my binder full of collated school papers and WHOOPS! There go all the school papers all over the floor. Man, I had a headache from Satan's bumhole, I'm telling you.

Then I went home, made dinner, gave MP a bath, put her to bed, and finished my lessons for today. When Random came home (around nine pm--he's really busy right now) we decided in-home, Tutor Time for MP later. Then I nursed again, put Chloe to bed, went back to the computer to finish up lessons, fell into bed at 11:30, woke up again at 2 am, pumped (I still needed four more ounces to make three four-ounce bottles) and then woke up for the day at the ripe hour of 4:30 AM.

That was yesterday. Yesterday.....was.......long.

Today I taught three classes in a row, ran to the nurse's office, pumped, ran back to teach again, ran to cafeteria duty, ran back to teach again (all in non-air-conditioned rooms), then ran to pump again. Yeah. Good stuff. I finally ate lunch around 2 (breakfast was around 5) and got to pee. It was FREAKING HECTIC. The pumping sessions did give me a bit of oasis and time to just think about the girls, even though I was walked in on by the nurse (oh well, not like she's seen boobs being hydraulically stretched into tiny tubes before). I managed to pump 10 oz today, 2 oz short of what I think Chloe needs for 8 hours. I looked at pictures of both girls and just thought about how funny and sweet MP is and how munchkin-ny Chloe is. Both are supremely kissable in such different ways now--MP so long limbed and smooth and giggly, and Chloe so chunkamunk and milk-soft and cherubish.

So then I picked up the girls and told my daycare provider that tomorrow would be their last day. I had called the in-home place and she was thrilled and even gave me a small discount. (Still higher than what I pay now, but so nice of her to do.)

My daycare provider was once again acting strange. I had told her about the new place this morning. She just seemed quieter than usual. She told me this morning that this whole situation is breaking her heart, so I just thought that was it. She also told me that Chloe had eaten....WAIT FOR IT....FOUR OUNCES TOTAL in 8 hours. FOUR OUNCES!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!!? Apparently she slept all day. Fancy that! I said--"oh, she's getting easier, huh? Pretty soon you'll want to keep her..." She just laughed uneasily. But what the hell is four ounces in 8 hours? Is that normal? So weird.

So I left and then as I was driving home I get a call.

Daycare provider (current).

"Karen: You are not saying goodbye."
I am confused. "Huh?"

"I don't want you to leave. We'll make it work. I'm not changing my mind. I want to look after both girls. We'll make it work."

I start to stutter. UM?!?!?!?

"You are not saying goodbye. We want you to stay. Okay? You're staying. The girls aren't going anywhere."

I don't know what to say so I don't say anything.

I hung up saying "uh, okay...." lamely.

I talked to Random. "Too late," he said. "Ugh," I said. "What do we do now?" We do love this woman despite what's happened--she looked after MP for us for 2 days overnight when Chloe was born and charged NOTHING. She buys us presents all the time. She adores MP.

I called the woman back. "I just want to know what changed your mind," I said.

"I don't want MP going to that new place," she said. "She needs structure. She needs activities all day long. She needs to be with lots of kids--she loves that. I don't want her leaving."

"So it's just MP leaving that made you change your mind, not Chloe," I said. "What about her?"

"She'll get older, we'll make it work in the meantime," she said. "We hired the other woman" (there are three of them now, 12 kids) "to look after the babies, and she'll just look after Chloe more. We want to do this. You aren't going anywhere."

I sputtered. I still didn't know what to say.

"You can't change your mind again," I said. "Otherwise that leaves us in a huge bind. I've already told this other place that we'll go there. If I tell them no then we can't screw with them--"

"I can't let MP go to a place with less structure," she said.

I said okay and hung up.

My head is about to break.

First: Four ounces in 8 hours? Chloe is NOT happy with the bottle, either. I tried to feed her one of the leftover bottles (I gave three four ouncers) and she fussed the entire time, screamed and basically rooted for me. So I gave her me; she got pissed. I had pumped right before that, so there probably wasn't a ton--she ate for a few minutes and then screamed again. Then she fell asleep, so I have to think between me and the bits of bottle she got she's fed. But still, four ounces feels measly.

Second: What the hell do I do now? Of course I want to stay--we've been there for two years, it would mean uprooting MP, there WOULD be less structure. And if they're willing to dedicate their third worked more to Chloe, I'm happy with that. Part of me thinks Chloe got easier and they realized she wasn't such a handful.

Thank you for all of your comments in the past few days. I've read everything--all the comments--and can't tell you how much your support and opinions mean during this insane merry go round.

The Daycare Fiasco Continues

So last night I made all kinds of frantic phone calls and set up an interview with Tutor Time and talked with a few in-home daycare providers just in case.

Then I fretted and fussed all day long and told everyone I know about what happened in the hopes I'd get some phone numbers, and I did. One of them was from a wonderful woman I work with whose sister-in-law watches kids from her home and who said the provider was awesome.

So I went and picked up the girls and my current daycare provider was strangely silent and didn't say much to me. I asked whether Chloe had cried a lot and she said not as much as yesterday. She didn't say anything about the nanny and was helping me with the girls getting them into the car, so I asked. Apparently the housekeeper received a call yesterday about a job she'd been waiting on for five weeks and decided to take it.

So. Um. It sounded kind of fishy to me, like my provider had volunteered the woman's services without the housekeeper thoroughly realizing what she was in for, and then backed out. So no nanny.

I called a referral service for daycare in the area, and they told me nannies in this area are very hard to come by. Then I talked to a mom at work who went through five before she found her current nanny, who lives with them (we couldn't do that).

(I can't quit my job, by the way--it pays our mortgage. Without my job we would not be able to keep our house. It's a small house, for those of you thinking I live in a mansion and could afford to downsize--there's not much to downsize.)

Anyway. I went to the tour of Tutor Time and it's freking expensive. I don't even know if we can afford it. Also, 3-year-olds need to be potty trained, and MP isn't pee trained yet. Also, the drop off time is non negotiable. The infant room seems okay, with two caregivers and six infants, all over six months. Chloe would be the youngest.

Downside: they are definitely not breastfeeding friendly. When I asked about coming there during my lunch hour to nurse Chloe, both the director and the infant room caregiver gave me a big song and dance about how "other mothers would see me and want to visit also" and "people would see me doing it on tours" and "then Chloe would cry when I left" and "it will be too stressful for you." I told them I was pumping at work and that this would be more stressful for me (kids walking in on freaky lady with robotic machine attached to boobs, oh yeah, finding time to eat during the day, blah blah) and they said, IN UNISON (I think they must have practiced or something) "Well, stress might dry up your milk anyway."   I was speechless. I think they saw my jaw drop in disgust and quickly reassured me that "they couldn't NOT tell me to come, though, so if I REALLY wanted to." WHY ARE PEOPLE SO UNSUPPORTIVE OF BREASTFEEDING? It drives me crazy. I mean--do they really think seeing me will send other mothers over the edge and they'll have a nursing sit-in or something? AND SO FREAKING WHAT IF THEY DO? Holy moly. Made me want to whip out the tit right there and spray all over them. Hah. I could have, too, because by that time I was leaky loo all over the place. Thank goodness for breast pads, heavy duty bras, and double layer clothing.

So then I trekked the girls to the in-home daycare recommended by my co-worker. That place was anti-structure, very loosy goosie and friendly. There's another three month old, and they said they did a little dance when they heard I had a three month old, because they can be friends. There's also a kid close to MP's age. I asked them about stimulation for MP and they told me how they paint and do crafts. The outside was awesome with a whole playground's worth of stuff. There's not a lot of kids there--they do mostly part time and only have three or four kids at any given time, if that. There's two providers (they both live there). While I was there, every baby was being held by someone--the other three month old was asleep on one provider when I walked in, and the older one (8 months, rarely there) was being held by the provider's daughter, who also helps out. It was very family-oriented. My biggest concern would be MP getting enough stimulation, but she can be entertained with pretty much anything--she's like the MacGuyver of kids--give her an elastic band, a piece of lint, and a pocket and she's mesmerized for hours. (This morning she put her hair bands in her play school bus and drove them around, telling me the "hair pretties were going to the playground.")

So there's where were at. I don't know about putting the girls in two different places, and taking MP out of her current daycare, while stressful for her, might be a good move in the long run since she'll get to stay with her sister and she'll be with less kids (right now she's with 12 kids, 2 providers). More attention for her would be a HUGE plus. I think she really needs that right now, too. And everyone seemed very huggy and nice.

I'm leaning towards taking both girls to the in-home place (drop off is at 6:30, the provider has a van "and a million carseats for every age," they've got tons of toys and serve fresh food daily and while I interviewed her MP was sitting at the table in their daycare kitchen eating a snack with the other kids and didn't want to leave).

We'll decide tonight. My head is about to burst with all this stress. But you know what? I'm realizing how much of a Mama I've become. I am full on Mama. And it rocks.

AGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!! Need Assvice Now!

The family daycare that both MP and Chloe go to has decided that they can't watch Chloe.

Apparently, she's too "needy"--meaning she needs to be held too often, and the woman who runs it (who we love) says she's just not equipped to deal with that kind of neediness. She has two other infants, 9 months, who are easy--stick 'em in a pack n' play and give them a toy--and then all the toddlers. But Chloe! Chloe requires holding, and is hungry all. the. time (yeah, tell me about it)--today she was at daycare for 5 hours and she drank about 11 ounces. I had just fed her before dropping her off, too. THAT'S A LOT OF FREAKING MILK. (I pumped 6 ounces at work--pumping just once, which was all the time I had--and then another 3 ounces on my return--so it looks like I'm about two ounces short so far.) So she's too much work. My provider tells me she needs one on one attention.

So. I'm stuck now, all of a sudden, with no one to watch Chloe. GAH! ACK! I am FLIPPING OUT.

And of course there's a problem with every place I call. Either

1) They don't open on time (I need to drop off around 6:45 to be at work by 7:10),

2) They open early but don't take infants, or

3) They are too far away.

My daycare provider mentioned that her cleaning woman wants a nanny job, that she'd be willing to come to my house every day and watch Chloe for the same amount of $$ that I pay now, and she'd clean my house in the process (MP would stay at the current daycare). This woman was an au pair and has references. But this idea worries me--the woman has no car, speaks very little English, and if she got sick or couldn't get a ride to work, I'd be out childcare. (She did mention, however, that she'd clean my house for me while the baby slept. That would be AWESOME, since my house is always a wreck.) I met her and she seems nice, and obviously we would have to interview her and check her references and yadda yadda, and the thought of all of this is OVERWHELMING because HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEAVE MY VERY LITTLE BABY ALONE WITH SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW????

Then there's a place called "Tutor Time" which is close by and has a preschool and infant program. I could enroll both girls (they have space) but would have to drop off at 7 am and be at work by 7:10, which is a verrrrrrrrrrrry tight squeeze leaving no room whatsoever for chit chat at the place.

Part of me thinks it would be good to get MP out of the current place she's in since they aren't a preschool and don't do a lot of learning activities. But she loves it there. But maybe Chloe does really need one on one time and a big preschooly place wouldn't be the best for her. UGH!

So that's where I am--Tutor Time or Nanny? What would you do? What did you do? HELP ME INTERNETS. As always, I will do EXACTLY WHAT YOU TELL ME TO DO.

Back to Work *Sob*

I go back to work tomorrow.

Don't ask how I'm doing. MP keeps asking why I'm crying. Then she tells me not to worry about it, that she'll take care of me. That just makes it worse.

I'm nervous about pumping at work, I'm nervous about leaving Chloe for such a long period, I'm just a freakshow of nerves all around. I'm nervous I won't be able to produce enough milk, that I'll leak everywhere and have horribly sore boobs and break down in the nurse's office as I attempt pumping during every free period I've got. I'm nervous we'll have to supplement with formula. Or that I won't send enough milk.

I'm nervous Chloe will decide she likes the bottle better than me. I'm nervous she'll forget who I am. I'm nervous that MP will tell me that she doesn't want to go to daycare, which she does every time we go there, and that I'll feel the Mommy Guilt growing like a tumor. I'm nervous I'm going to sleep through opening day, or not get up early enough, or not be able to fit all of what I want to do in one day.

SHIT.

I'll let you know how it goes.

(Oh: and to Heather, who responded to my last post with a wonderful little reply that made me want to throw up all over my computer: You are wrong, and that was uncalled for. I haven't posted MP's letter in a week because THOSE TAKE A LONG TIME TO WRITE--Chloe's took a few days--and I've been working on getting ready for work the past week AND entertaining family. And yes, I do think you are attacking me. Thanks for that! I guess the three years or so I spent on the Naked Ovary writing about MP and the articles I've had published about her don't matter, huh? I don't know why I'm even responding. Harumph.)