What's In A Name?

It's been a looooooooonggg two weeks on bedrest. And I'm still supposed to be on bedrest, but I'm so tired of lying down that even getting up to go to the bathroom is luxury. So I'm playing hooky from bed more and more. And then I get yelled at for not lying down, although I'm doing a fair amount of sitting on my ever plush-ening butt. I've got restless leg syndrome out the whazoo at night (which my mom claims does not actually exist), sciatica so bad that I can't lie on either side comfortably anymore, and Rocky practicing for the Heavyweight championship in boxing on my uterus all night long. So I sleep sitting up.

Whoever recommended the Nintendo DS is my hero. I resurrected mine from the tangled techno heap in our armoire and have been playing Dr. Mario ever since. My other company is TiVo'd episodes of the ever-riveting "Farmer Wants a Wife" (which, if you are unfamiliar, basically consists of a bunch of psycho city chicks running around in skimpy tops and high heels on a farm, stepping in manure and wrastling chickens, trying to impress a guy that is sometimes attractive and sometimes skull-like) and endless googling of terms relating to preterm labor and preemie babies. I went to an OB appointment two days ago and DID MY HAIR for it. Tonight I have a newborn care class and I might actually shave my armpits in celebration of getting out of the house and seeing adult life. Yesterday Rocky turned 35 weeks and I've got about two more weeks of being a good for nothing layabout before I am set free and allowed to cavort around with my distended watermelon belly and subsequently go until 42 weeks in an obscene twist of fate. (By the way, the baby dropped, and I am now officially enormous. Or, as my husband told my brother, "large and in charge." This is the only time in his life that he is allowed to say this without getting a swift "Restless Leg" kick to the arse.)

Anyway, I've been having some trouble with names recently and thought I'd see what other people think. We have finally decided on a name for Rocky, and it is a beautiful name. We love it. It goes with MP's name and our last name and our dog's name. It's unusual-ish but still in the top thirty or something of popular names, so you can find the all-important glitter stickers of it if you want. Rocky's middle name will be my mom's name, which is a classic. So the name is all set. I've bought the "official" wooden   letters, so there's no going back. Runners up of our name choice included Ruby (my original first choice...I campaigned heavily for this one, but was ultimately shot down), Alice, Sophie, Kate, Lucy, Hailey.

Well. My father, whom I adore and who is currently looking after me, along with my mom, HATES the name.

Every time we say her name, he asks if we can change it. Then he claims to not know how to spell it and makes faces as he tries. Then he pronounces it all kinds of ridiculous ways. Ultimately, he wants us to rename the child with HIS name, since he is desperate to have a kid named after him somewhere, but his name is not only a boy's name (a real boy's name, not an androgynous name) but it's a weirdo Danish boy's name, and I've only ever heard of him with this name (and talk about spelling and pronounciation....if you knew his name you'd understand how completely bonkers his claims about the baby's name are). (And I'm not telling you what it is, either, because he routinely googles it and since he's the only one in the world, I think, with this crazy name he'll get here and read what I've written and yell at me. Sorry.) He's suggested "feminine" variations of his name (which all, um, suck). So this is becoming frustrating. My way of dealing with it is to ignore him or to say "hey, it's a beautiful name" and just let it be, but it's getting to me. He's not someone you can say "cut it out" to, either--he'd get pissy and sulk and I can't have that when he's doing all of this for me. So I just suck it up. But still.

And then there's MP's middle name. Her middle name is her given Chinese name, and it's perfectly lovely--Chao Xing, pronounced Chow-Shing. I have sang songs around her middle name, written it out in phonetics, and said it a million trillion times since we returned from China, and STILL my father will persist in making fun of it. By "making fun" I mean he will sing a long line of words that end up sounding incredibly racist and uncool (like "chin chow chow chin shang chin.") And then when I protest and remind him of the way to say it, he'll poo-poo her middle name and claim it is not important, that he doesn't know why we kept it, and that she's part of our family now and we shouldn't push her towards anything to do with her birth or past. He says everyone he's talked to who was adopted isn't interested in finding their "real" parents so therefore we need to believe MP will be the same and that giving her this middle name is a reminder.

Needless to say, things got a little uncomfortable last night as we talked about all of this. I told him how important her middle name was, explained AGAIN for the thousandth time why we chose it, and told him I'd support her if she wanted to go to China and search for her birthparents, although I was guessing that it might be pretty hard to find them. He was horrified. I gave up.

My father is an incredibly awesome, funny, smart, and thoughtful person. I can't get why the name thing is such a big deal, or so hard for him to understand. When MP gets older and can understand her beloved grandpa deliberately messing with her middle name, I need strategies. I need to know how to talk to my dad without hurting him or upsetting him, which he gets very easily. This, I am guessing, is something I'm going to have to work out myself, since I know him better than anyone (besides my mom). But it's hard to hear the name you've picked out for your child, so lovingly, treated as if it means nothing.

 

Comments

[Dee]

I'm just so relieved you're back I can't think about name strategy yet. Two weeks ago I discovered the new blog, after missing the old blog for how long? two years? And then you disappeared, possibly into L&D!

Glad it's not so, and can't wait to see what happens on the road ahead. I am also working on #2 although I had to travel Far Far Away to do it... email me if you don't remember the story, it's quirky.

[Kelly]

I know just what you are saying! My daughter's name is Sophia Sakura. My husband picked it out years ago and we love it. Sophia means "wisdom" and Sakura is Japanese for "cherry blossom". It's frequently used for beautiful girls. We have other names picked out and made the decision to have all Japanese middle names. (We are not Japanese.) My family always teases us. My sister went so far to call the baby "Hiroshima Noodle" while I was pregnant. We have always taken it with good nature but it gets trying at times! I don't want them to make fun of my daughter later in life! Also, she was born at 34 weeks and is a healthy almost 4-month old baby now. You are all in my prayers and I can't wait to read about Rocky's debut!

[Mandy]

That last sentence says so much. What if you were to talk to your mom, say that to her and ask her for thoughts on the best way to discuss that with your dad?

I'm so glad you're both still ok.

[kristylynne]

Oh thank god, I thought maybe you were in a wireless hospital somewhere.

As for the name ... it's YOUR and RANDOM's child, not your dad's. Your decision is final. I think it's pretty rude of your dad to tell you he doesn't like the name and wants you to choose a different one. If it were me, I'd tell him that you have chosen this name, your decision is final, and his comments are hurtful. I'd also ask my mom to give him a talking-to.

As for his bad behavior in relation to Maya's name, I think he's way out of line. My FIL is like that too, not really a racist but will make snide little comments that make him look like one. It really bugs me. He also insists, half-jokingly, that he will take my son hunting one day, to which I say, over my dead body. Last time he said it, I told him that if he did something like that without my consent, it would be the LAST time he saw his grandson. He clammed up pretty quick.

Next time your dad says something about Maya's name, I'd take him aside and tell him that YOU are Maya's parents, YOU have chosen that name, it's important to you, and he's hurting your feelings by not respecting your choice. And that if he keeps it up, he'll hurt Maya's feelings too.

[BethanyWD]

I am feeling you on this one. This is one of the main reasons we didn't tell anyone the names we had chosen for our kids until after they were born - I knew my parents would poo-poo it. Right after my son (now five) was born and we called and told my parents the name (which is Grayson and then my dad's name as his middle name), the first thing out of his mouth was, "How do you spell that??" not, "Oh, you honored me by giving him my middle name!" Nice.

Since you did ask for advice, if I was in your situation I might directly talk to your dad (very seriously) about how you feel about his "making fun of" MP and Rocky's names. No jokes, period. You could ask him to not joke about it any longer, saying that it truly hurts your feelings and that MP is getting to an age where she will understand when he comments about it. Since you describe him as a lovely, understanding dad, he probably just doesn't really realize how you feel about it (my dad does the same thing!).

Anyway, that's my two cents.

[Slim]

When I told my mother what we were naming our child, she said "Oh." Then silence. I said brightly, "Well, you have four months to get used to it!" and she said "I like simple names." OK. Two syllables, been around for a thousand years, most people know someone with this name. What is the problem, exactly?

Which is to say, been there. I'm sorry. It sucks that after all you've been through and all you're going through, your dad can't just join you in being happy and excited.

I like the suggestion that you talk to your mother. I would also suggest that you are concerned that his granddaughters are not going to want to spend time with someone who makes fun of some part of themselves, and you're surprised he's willing to take that risk. In other words, don't make it about your feelings, however valid they may be. Ask him if his feelings are going to be hurt if his granddaughters shut him out because *their* feelings are hurt.

[Aurelia]

I like the idea of asking your mom for advice, because she can either quietly convince him to say nothing, or give him a swift kick in arse, whichever style is appropriate to their relationship.

But most effective of all, will be the day that Maya turns to him and tells him that it hurts her feelings and asks him to stop. And she will feel okay to do that if you let her know that you are on her side and it's okay to tell Grandpa how she feels.

If he doesn't stop then---then he isn't worth seeing. Even if he is your Dad.

[Bobbi]

My go-to on this (and even with names as classic as we chose, yes it was necessary) was "You got to name your children, I get to name mine." Repeat, like a mantra, ad nauseum until they shut up. No emotion, just repeat over and over. It won't take long....

Glad to hear your still cooking...

[juliag]

No real suggestions. It sucks when people can't just accept and love the names that you've chosen for your kids. Sucks. I told my mom straight out that she had pretend to love the names we chose. Then she had no way out.

Hopefully Maya will think that your dad's "shing, shong, ling, mong" mockery is just a fun song about her name?! I'm guessing that at some point Maya will say to him "NO! My middle name is Chao Xing Grandpa!" and then he'll start to straighten up his act. She can say it mean and it won't hurt his feelings the way that it would if you said it, you know?

Okay. Now! How can you leave us hanging. You're not telling us the name?!?! I love the backup choices, so I can't wait to hear what you picked. Are you going to make us wait until the birth. So mean!

[Kira]

THANK YOU for updating! And way to gestate!
As far as your dad goes, as I always used to say to my mom, "If you want to name a child, feel free to go HAVE one. I get to name THIS one."
Ultimately, though, he's his own person. You don't have any control over what he thinks or feels. If you told him your views and he persists in disagreeing, well, that's his perogative. Just as much as it's yours to not let him sway you. This is an awfully emotionally prickly time for you (not saying you're wrong - AT ALL), and it's hard to deal with static like this. Hang in there.
And keep POSTING! PLEASE!

[Michelle]

So glad you are OK, I was worried about you and the baby! As for names, I'm pregnant and we have decided this time not to tell anyone the name until he is born. I made the mistake early on of telling just my parents and my mom didn't like the middle name and told us it should be dh's father's name. I don't need a million opinions on the name, either that or a blank stare and "Oh" when people don't like it. But as for your father, I guess I would just say "that is the name we have chosen, we both like it, but I really don't want to talk about it any more." Then just ignore the comments. Easier said than done, I know.

[Carol]

Hi:

CONGRATULATIONS on making it to 35 weeks!!!! That is so AWESOME!!!

What if you were to ask your dad point blank: "Do you have something against Chinese culture? Because your comments make you sound really racist." Maybe that would shock your otherwise wonderful and sensitive dad into listening to your perspective.

I feel quite the same way about my own dad. He's very devout, kind and well-intentioned, yet very naive. Sometimes he says things that make me cringe. Like when he found out I had a black friend in the dorm my freshman year in college and asked me if she liked "soul food." He wasn't joking; he really wanted to know. I'm wondering if it isn't kind of a generational thing? As well as maybe a regional one? There are lots of Asians in Northern California, where I grew up, so my dad seems to be less curious/uncomfortable about Asian culture, but other cultures he's more wary of, and sometimes even borderline derisive about.

My daughter's name is Sage. Almost 7 years after naming her, I'm still absolutely in love with the name and feel very protective about it. It bothers me when (1) people don't like it; (2) people like it so much that they've named their won child Sage (which will make Sage's name less unique and interesting). I feel possessive of her name. I'm going to have a hissy if Angelina Jolie names one of her twins Sage. Then every girl will be a Sage. I'm annoyed that Sylvester Stallone named his SON Sage: WTF?? It's a girl's name!!! Names are emotional things. I think it's wrong for your dad to pester you about the name.

I hope you get these delicate issues figured out with your dad! It would stress me out too.

[Stacey]

You are the best Mom! My paternal grandfather called me Tracey, instead of Stacey, for the first 23 years of life. It hurt my feelings. Seriously. I'm 38 and it still makes me sad. I don't understand why he thought it was funny and couldn't see how sensitive I was about it. Maybe he could see and thought I should get over it because he thought it was funny. My Grandfather was also the kind of person that got pissy if you mispronounced his name. He was nice in other ways. Maybe in a few years your father will realize how inconsiderate it is to make fun of MP's name and stop.

Good luck with the Rocky!

[Sarah]

That sucks. No one wants to have their father, who they otherwise love and adore, be so mean. If he was always mean, then this wouldn't matter as much. But he isn't and this must seem out of character for him. I too would enlist your mother in getting through to him. Even if MP never wants to find her biological parents, it will be her choice, not yours. Giving her a link to who she is and where she came from honors her and he needs help to see that I guess.

As for naming Rocky after him, ignore it. Not only is it rude to say he doesn't like the name you have chosen, but egotistical too to ask that the name be switched to his. Is he hurt that your mother's name is being used while his isn't? If so remind him that you didn't get to chose the sex of your child and you aren't going to saddle her with a rare boys name just to flatter his ego.

Ugh. What a lot of drama to deal with at this late stage!

Hang in there!

[Kathy]

I don't have any good advice...we actually are trying to avoid some of this in our own families by not divulging name choice until the baby is here, though I'm sure they'll still have comments after the fact. I did have to laugh about your allusions to your dad's unusual male Danish name. I'm married to a Dane who came to the U.S. at age 30. He has an old-fashioned Danish name that is unusual even in Denmark, and it causes us no end of trouble here in the U.S. Our child's name needs to be something that works in both Danish and English, and the only names he is willing to consider - given his own challenges with his name here - are names that are in the top 10 in Denmark and that aren't too "out there" in the U.S. His parents are horrified that their first grandchild will have a "common" name. :)

[Cobblestone]

I'm getting a lot of "that's a mouthfull" Well yeah, but that is just how it is going to roll for him. His first name is long but shortens nicely, his middle name is family naming tradition, his last name is a *total* character builder that even adults avoid pronouncing correctly.

Honestly, when a kid's last name might as well be "c*cksuckerdumba$$" what ... exactly ... would you put in front of it?

As for your dad, ask him seriously why the new name bothers him so much. Listen to him and then tell him that you are worried about the day that your children will recognize that grandpa doesn't love them enough to say their name right.

Good luck

[Spacemom]

Very simple Karen,
"Dad, you had your chance to name kids. You chose Karen. You COULD have named me after you, but you didn't. This is MY chance. Please respect my choices. I haven't gotten my name changed, have I? I respected your choices. You respect mine."
And then you stick out your tongue and waggle your fingers at him from your nose!
:)

[mellie]

I seem to remember from your NO days that your dad was very supportive of your adopting in China, so I am hoping that he'll get it eventually. Or you can cry--which some may see as incredibly manipulative but sometimes is just the ticket, and the manipulation factor is somewhat mitigated if the whole thing makes you want to shriek in the first place!

[mellie]

I seem to remember from your NO days that your dad was very supportive of your adopting in China, so I am hoping that he'll get it eventually. Or you can cry--which some may see as incredibly manipulative but sometimes is just the ticket, and the manipulation factor is somewhat mitigated if the whole thing makes you want to shriek in the first place!

[OmegaMom]

I can't write a comment about this. I tried. I really tried. But I am SO ANGRY about your dad's fake-Chinese-y stuff that I can't write anything coherent.

I vote for either crying everytime he pulls that stunt, and every time he makes a passive-aggressive comment about your name for Rocky, or else just plain out telling him that you don't want MP to be facing racist stuff at home, as well as out in the world, and he's welcome to never see her again.

Oh, boy. See? It makes me angry. Sorry.

[Jessica]

My daughter's named Freya, and my mother hated it. Why? Because she knew a Freya back in college that she didn't get along with. Eventually, she got used to it, and now really likes it. Give your Dad time. As for messing with MPs middle name, that's harder. Dunno what to suggest there. :(

[liz]

Oooh! I like the crying suggestion! OK maybe it isn't mature or constructive, but if you could burst into tears every time it comes up it would be an interesting distraction.

My dad is really possessive of the grandkids, and acts it out by bad mouthing my in laws every chance he gets. Any chance that your dad feels threatened by MP's other family? Maybe he feels like her identifying with China takes a piece away from him, just like my dad thinks my kids having fun with the ILs makes them love him less. So he diminishes the culture with the comments to make it less?

So glad you are still baking...

[Clementine]

Our daughter has the longest name ever: She has a traditional first name, 2 middle names (her birth parents' last names), and a hyphenated last name. She has a v. short nickname, though! Sometimes people give us hell about her long name, especially because one of her middle names is a common Puerto Rican last name. I don't care, though. What matters to me is that our daughter will know that we honored her first parents in choosing her name. I hope that she will be proud of her name and its provenance.

Like you, I have had to speak with several friends and family members about adoption-related culture issues, like my mom's assumption that my daughter sometimes throws fits because of her "hot Latin temper." It's not easy to have these conversations with people you love, but I feel I owe it to my kiddo to deal with these comments now, before she really understands them. I think you're doing a great job trying to address the middle name issue with your dad, and I know you'll hit on a tactic that works well for the two of you. Good luck!

[Lisa]

Man, that's tough. I have two friends who kept their babies' names private until after the birth -- people will give you their opinion about a hypothetical but once it's on the birth certificate, what can be done (although this doesn't sound like it would stop your dad, since he persists in the MP middle name criticism.)

I don't know what advice to offer, except boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. His feelings may be hurt, but you have to tell him it is simply not acceptable to say those things in front of MP, and that it hurts you when he says them to you, so please keep those thoughts to himself. If he doesn't listen, there has to be a consequence, whether it be politely ending a conversation, leaving the room, etc. I've had to do this with my mother over various issues. I mostly just say "Well, Mom, I have to go now," if we're talking on the phone, and she gets it. Your dad sounds like a great guy, so I'm sure he'll get it eventually.

In terms of unusual names, my boyfriend has a highly unusual Italian/Spanish name that befuddles just about everyone who comes across it. I still can't really pronounce it correctly after four years, but I could end up having a son by that name! Life is funny sometimes. Good luck!

[jconroy]

I was at a baptism party for my friends daughter and was talking with her mother. I congratulated her on her new grand children (my friend and her sister both had new babies within a few weeks of eachother). She proceeded to tell me how she didn't like her grandsons name (Eli) and she really preferred more traditional irish names (she's from ireland). So in my hormonally induced state, I told her "well it's a good thing he's not your son to name." That shut her right up.

I felt so bad for speaking out of turn to my friends mother at their party. I didn't mean it, it just slipped out. But she and her sister were both thanking me for saying something they'd been trying to get across to her for some time.

Parents say the darndest things.