25 Weeks Tomorrow

In the week since I have managed to hit 24w (presumably, a "magic number" for pregnancy) it has slowly dawned on me:

I AM NOT READY. I AM NOT READY. I AM SCARED SHITLESS.

The realization that from here on out is the slide down the mountain--that I have 15 weeks left to go if I make it to 40w, and that 15w is approximately how long it takes to move a bag of garbage from the upstairs hallway to the downstairs living room in my house--which is to say, 15w is not that much time at all (well, unless you are a bag of garbage)--all of this whackadoodle realizing going on has me humming the theme song from Jaws under my breath.

My mother told me the other day that the reason she went past 40w with all of her children was because she "lacks a hormone to start labor." And, oh, "you might want to get that checked out...I had to have blood draws at the hospital all the time."

Heh? What was that you said Mom? 

At my last OB appointment I asked my doctor about this. "Yeah, I've heard about it," she said. "We won't let you go past 40w. We don't want you to have a 12 pound baby."

A 12 pound baby is a problem, since currently Cheek Tunnel is only cleared for babies weighing up to 8 pounds, but it's not my biggest worry.

This next part is where things get serious.

My mother has two living children but carried three children past term. The middle child was my sister, a perfectly healthy baby who went past 40w. My mother tells it like this: she woke up one morning after her due date knowing it was time, feeling "weird, sick." She went to the hospital and some kind of quasi-labor started. The nurses nursed her along, and once the labor started, it really took off (she warns me about this, too: It takes a while to start...but once it does, watch out!). Her doctor wasn't available, so they gave her a spinal. (Knowing very little about medicines given while in labor, as I haven't gotten to that part yet in my WHAT TO EXPECT book, I don't know the difference between a spinal and an epidural, or if they are the same thing, or what). The spinal, my mom says, numbed her completely and she couldn't push. The doctor took his time getting to the hospital. Finally the baby was born, but she had the cord wrapped around her neck-- and had for a while. Somehow. And she had swallowed some of her own waste, too. She was blue. She failed the test they give to babies. She died a few days later. My sister, my only sister, gone because of a doctor's mistakes.

My mother tells me that nowadays she could sue, but that it didn't really occur to them back then--they were too busy with grief to sue. She has opened up about this painful time more in the past few months than she has my entire life. While I am finding these moments strangely comforting, as I know so little about my sister and her brief life, and as I could never find a way to ask about her without thinking I would only hurt my parents, it's hard not to imagine this happening to me, to Rocky, too. I've asked about my sister before only to be told not to dwell on it--after all, if she had survived, my brother would not be here. That has always stopped me cold.  And now that I am finally hearing her entire story, it's keeping me up as I simultaneously worry about pre-term labor (courtesy of Stumpy, AKA The Little Cervix That Could), umbilical cords, and late labor punctuated by a silent delivery. This is, of course, 95% Pregnant Worry Normal Brain, and, as everyone tells me, they wouldn't let this happen today, but it makes my decision to have any kind of medication that dulls the slightest cramp a bit of an emotional dilemma (yeah--if you have any thoughts on epidural versus no epidural, I'd love to hear them. My mother is surprised I would go for an epidural, and now that I know what happened to her, I'm not positive I want one, but I can be a pain wuss).

Stumpy the Cervix is holding steady at slightly below normal, but I am still having biweekly ultrasounds. My doctor tells me that she will induce me at 37w if I am dilated. I am perfectly fine with that. But 37w is a mere, teensy, wee little 12 weeks away, which is just enough time for me to... paint the nursery, set up the furniture, buy, oh, EVERYTHING I need (which is, oh, EVERYTHING), get work squared away, mentally prepare myself for motherhood X 2, and throw up a few hundred trillion times from fear. If I start, ermmm, right this second. Like, two words ago. As in, get off my gained-24-lbs-at-25-weeks ass and do something besides watch that damn Matt Damon video again. Because despite the fact that I am sliding down the other side of pregnancy mountain, my heels want to dig in and suspend things right here for a bit, where I don't really need to think about much and where worry about what could happen remains, simply, about what could happen.

Comments

[mellie]

"Because despite the fact that I am sliding down the other side of pregnancy mountain, my heels want to dig in and suspend things right here for a bit, where I don't really need to think about much and where worry about what could happen remains, simply, about what could happen."

I found myself holding my breath reading the list of what you have to do. Wow! and so true. It seemed sooo far off, and now all of a sudden it's a frieght train. Garbage Schmarbage! But for an excellent shopper like you, hopefully this can be the fun stuff.

I am sorry about your sister, what a sad and painful story for your parents and your family. Despite the alternative universe without a brother.

[mellie]

"Because despite the fact that I am sliding down the other side of pregnancy mountain, my heels want to dig in and suspend things right here for a bit, where I don't really need to think about much and where worry about what could happen remains, simply, about what could happen."

I found myself holding my breath reading the list of what you have to do. Wow! and so true. It seemed sooo far off, and now all of a sudden it's a frieght train. Garbage Schmarbage! But for an excellent shopper like you, hopefully this can be the fun stuff.

I am sorry about your sister, what a sad and painful story for your parents and your family. Despite the alternative universe without a brother.

[Em]

I am a maternity nurse and there is so much I want to say but I am afraid I will sound preachy. I doubt that is what you need right now. I will say that I worried about these things when I was pg because I have seen the worse case scenarios. What I tried to remember though was that 99.5% of the families I have dealt with have had happy endings (and by happy I mean, home with a healthy newborn, its all we really want, right?). Those aren't the ones that stick out though so it is natural to worry about those worst case sceanrios.

Because you asked, the difference between a spinal and an epidural is the placement (depth wise) of the catheter. I had an epidural with all three of my babies. They don't usually do spinals now.

Besides the idea that the terrible event that occured for you mom and you sister sounds as though it was directly related to poor medical management by the doctor she had (as opposed to something hereditary that could possibly reoccur without coincidence), you must know that monitoring has changed in the time since your mother had children. Also know, as I'm sure you do, that doctors at this time, in this society, are very interested in covering their behinds. Certainly a baby with a nuccal cord and mec aspiration, today would not only be found out, but delivered by c-section (from labor room to warmer) in under 7 minutes. Heck, they won't mess around if they even suspect the baby isn't doing well.

There are alot of what-ifs and tragedies do happen but its rare, thank God. Very rare.

[Laura from Ga]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister. That has got to be a hard thing for your mom to talk about. I think it's great that she is finding it easier to open up to you about it now. Things are so much more advanced now, this sort of thing wouldn't happen. As the last poster said, even if they thought the baby was in danger she would be out faster than you could say c-section! I delivered all three of my children with an epi and if administered properly you will still have feeling and be able to push. They dial it back or turn it off completely before you get to the pushing stage. I could feel the contrations and the urge to push. It also did not slow down my contractions. If anything it helped me along as I wasn't so focused on the pain that I was able to relax and let my body do what it needed to do. People will want to tell you their horror stories, I was always surprised at the stories people will tell a pregnant woman. As if you aren't scared enough! All I will say is that I was determined to do it naturally with my first daughter and after 18 hours and I was only dialted to 4, I was just exhausted and opted for the epi....best thing I ever did! I slept the next 3 hours, pushed 3 times and out she came. The only thing that I hated was that it takes a while to get your legs back under you and that's a strange feeling. However, with my next 2 there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted an epi. I got one as soon as I could! I would have gotten in the week before if they would have given it to me! I have friends that had natural births, one that has actually had 4 that way. More power to them and to anyone that chooses to go that way. I don't think that it makes them anymore of a woman or caring mom than me because I opted to take away some of the pain. You should do what is going to help you have the best birth experience for YOU. My best advice is to go in with an open mind. See how you do without the epi and then decide. Either way, you still get a precious beautiful baby at the end!

[Laura from Ga]

Oh, one more thing...as for all of the stuff you still have to do...the baby won't care if the room is painted and the nursery completed. As long as you have a place for her to sleep ( a bassinet by your bed for the first couple of weeks is wonderful), diapers, bottles if you are bottle feeding, a couple of sleepers...you are set for the first few weeks. All the rest will fall into place. Enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy and don't stress about the small stuff! It will get done!

[Shilpa]

I'm so sorry for your family about your sister's loss too. What a heartbreaking story. My brother just lost his firstborn daughter (after 4 years of IF) to stillbirth as well so I understand to some extent what your poor parents went through and my heart goes out to them. But I'm also strangely comforted (just for my brother and his wife's own current heartbreak) to know of how your brother's life can be owed to this cruel twist of fate. What a story.

In any event, I know this might not do much for the fears you are feeling (we are 21+wks right now with twins and I share your fears so I completely understand), but I do believe that the way they monitor the babies is entirely and completely different these days. Situations where the labor is too long and the baby is in distress just don't last long enough to cause a problem b/c the babies are monitored so closely that they get the baby out at the first sign of distress. So just feel somewhat rest assured that the odds of anything happening to your precious Rocky are so, so, so, so completely miniscule and although they weren't particularly highly in your mom's time, they are much, much lower nowadays.

Good luck with the preparing by the way! I share your anxiety about getting prepared!

[Carrie]

I found it very valuable with my new daughter to have the doctors explain, in detail, how this birth experience would not be the same as the last one. How I would have multiple ultrasounds and be monitored much more closely, so if there were issues I would not be blindsided like last time. It might be worthwhile for you to go in to your doctor, explain your particular worry, and let him/her explain how things are different now and how you will be watched.

Congrats, btw. I've been too sleep-deprived to get over here until recently and say that. I'm sure MP will be a wonderful big sister.

[susie]

I want to second what Em said. I am not a nurse but my son was delivered with the cord wrapped around his neck and leg, with mecomium in the fluid. We went from labor to C-section in the blink of an eye and I know it was 100% the right decision. He was fine. Thank goodness for doctors who won't take risks in this day and age.

[Carol]

Oh wow, the cord thing is a really scary worry. I worried about it a lot during my second pregnancy because my DD (my first) was born with the cord around her neck twice. It's apparently pretty common. BUT in this day and age, they have way more monitoring to tell them what's going on. Whenever I would have a contraction, her heart rate would plunge precipitously, so they knew something was up. They tried to reach in there and get a fetal monitor on her head to see what else was going on, but couldn't. I'm sure that would have given them even more information. I finally had an "urgent" c-section, which is when they discovered she was flipped upside down and had the cord around her neck twice. But her Apgars were 9 and 10, because I got the c-section in plenty of time due to the monitoring they did. Back then I just don't think they had the diagnostic tools that they do now.

But I did worry about that a lot during my second pregnancy, since my son didn't move nearly as much as my DD did, and also since my friend lost her baby during the time I was pregnant with him due to cord prolapse. My DD's cord issues only affected her when she tried to move down the birth canal during labor, but my friend's baby somehow squished her cord at 35 weeks. But my understanding is that cord prolapse that results in fetal death is pretty rare, and pretty random. In other words, the fact that your mom had it doesn't have any predictive value for you.

I got a lot of comfort from my Baby Beat doppler, which I rented for 30 bucks a month. When my DS didn't move much, I'd fire it up and listen to his heartbeat.

Regarding epidurals....my experience was that nothing stopped the pain until I got the epidural. I had my DD in England, where they give you other pain stuff like "gas and air," which I think is the stuff you can inhale from whipped cream cans. They also have these TENS machines that you can strap on for natural pain control. I had demerol. None of these things work. But when Gordon the epidural man came and gave me my epidural, I wanted to marry him. I was having monster-sized contractions on the monitor and I didn't feel a thing. I'm like you. I have a low, I mean LOW, pain tolerance. The fact that some women choose to have natural childbirth is completely fascinating to me, because that would scare the cr@p out of me. I firmly believe that some people have a better pain tolerance than others.

I wish you much productivity and nesting in the next few months so that you'll really feel ready when the time comes. And of course, enjoy doting on your lovely Maya before DD #2 arrives on the scene and sucks up lots of your time.

[Sarah]

The best thing you can do is to get informed. Find yourself the least biased source you can of the pros and cons of epidurals and make an informed decision for yourself along with your caregiver. And keep an open mind - there is no penalty for changing one's mind during labor.
There is no right or wrong answer, but the more facts you have the easier it is to decide what is right for you.

I had two kids with no pain meds and would have a third the same way in a heartbeat. I know people who were thrilled with their epidurals. (worked great, didn't slow down labor at all) I know people who were disappointed in their epidurals (only worked on one side of the body, drugs weren't topped off and wore completely off during pushing) I got to listen to a million people tell me I was crazy to try to have a natural birth (including men?).

Information won't guarantee a perfect birth. Information won't calm all your fears. Information will ease some of the fear of the unknown and make you feel more prepared and comfortable. Read up!

[DebbieS]

I'm so sorry about what happened to your sister. Your poor mommy. I think that the birth of your child will be a very healing experience for her. At the very least she is talking about it. I'm sure that scenario would be beyond unheard-of nowadays.

Can a fellow pain wuss share a bit of assvice? Talk to a doula. I found labor pain to be much different- and way more manageable- than other kinds of pain. My doula taught me how to relax my muscles (a hint: open your mouth and relax your jaw, and you can't tighten Anything Down There)and helped me labor at home. My labor was less than 9 hours start to finish, and I had natural childbirth. It was way easier than I ever dreamed, and I could never have done it without her. Without the "fear factor", the pain was less distracting than most of the headaches I've had. Feel free to email me if you'd like more details.

Also, if you like the Matt Damon video (and I'm assuming you mean the one with Sarah Silverman), the retort with Jimmy Kimmel and Ben Affleck is ever funnier. You might actually laugh yourself into early labor, so you may want to hold off!

[Lindsay]

I just wanted to second what Sarah said.

Whatever you do regarding an epidural...PLEASE...fully educate yourself before you head into the big event. Most evidence shows that avoiding an epidural is better for both mom and baby in most situations. Quicker recovery, more success in breastfeeding, baby is more responsive, quicker labor, etc... There are times when an epidural will help relax mom and help a stalled labor to progress...but that's not the norm.

My experience is that things went downhill when the intervetions started. First the pitocin, which I was handling OK...then they broke my water and all hell broke loose. Unmanagable pain which I was not fully prepared to manage. Then the epidural with baby heart decels...

If you do choose to birth naturally I highly recommend that you're very very prepared. Take natural birthing classes...hypno-birthing, Bradley method, etc... Read books... But be prepared because childbirth is painful and unless you're fully prepared to manage the pain and trust that you are capable of managing the pain...it probably won't happen.

I think you can do it... ;)

[Lila]

I second the Doula idea. I didn't have one but I'm envious of anyone who has. Sounds like a splendid idea.

I gave birth with and without epidural and I can recommend both. If you have proper birth preparation, you will be able to push even with epidural. You have to learn how to do it before and be coached well (your husband, the doula or the midwife will have to remind you what to do). I pushed out my huge firstborn under epidural with four good pushes. It was great.

So don't worry too much, please, although I know it's useless to say that. You will be doing fine, and everything will go well. It's good your mother gave you information, and I'm very sorry for the death of your sister. I'm sure her existence has influenced your life, and I'm glad she's not forgotten.

But this really doesn't mean you will have the same problems.

And don't forget: there hae been lightyears of medical progress since then.

I remember giving birth as tough but good work. And I didn't have ideal or easy births! But when the day comes, you WILL be ready and do a wonderful job as you have done with everything you did up to today.

BTW - why not make a welcome quilt for Rocky, too??? I'm ready!

[BumpFairy]

Baby number one: epidural. longer labor, painless, recovery took a bit. I pood the bed; couldn't feel it. ( this is AFTER giving birth, in recovery). 3 stitches. under my clit. which, you know, hurt. a lot.

Baby number two: no epidural, etc. Pain. That I lived through. Recovery?? I was up, showered, and ready for visitors a mere 30 minutes after birth. Um.. no poo on the bed. No stitches, either. And the BIGGEST endorphin rish I have ever imagined. And a HUGE sense of pride.

No meds? Hurts. Like hell. And ,b.You can handle it,/b.. Even when you think you can't handle it ( and we all get to that point. It's called transition)... you can. And do. And you live through it with this gift of pride, this endorphin rush.... and guess what? Baby? Gets that rush as well. YOU give it to baby. Which helps stimulate your wee one in thse moments after birth, giving good response and in some studies making breastfeeding more successful. Stimulated awake and "rushed" baby= more then ready and eager to use that suck reflex.

Just my .02

[Heidi]

I'm currently 32w with my second. With my first I didn't do any pain relief by choice. I was induced at 42w1d and came into it already 5cm dialated. Yes, it hurt...my son inherited a large head from my side of the family, but because my total time was short (12 hours start to finish) it was doable and I have no fear of doing it again. If I had been in labor for days, then I would have taken drugs, no question.

This time I want drugs, and am looking into getting either a lighter epidural or a "walking epidural". The latter is a spinal/epidural combo that is supposed to allow you sensation in your legs, block pain to your nerves but leave you feeling in your muscles for pushing. From what I gather most women DON'T actually get up and walk around, but it makes them feel more in control than having your entire lower half numbed. I guess it's still not offered everywhere, but it sounds like a possible alternative that you isn't talked about much.

As for why I want pain relief this time...with my first it really wasn't bad, but I was tired, and when he was finally born after 3.5 hours of pushing I was out of it, perhaps in some mild state of shock. We'd been ttc for 5 years, I've longed to be a mommy my whole life, and he comes out and I was too out of it to hold him for a good hour. I never had that movie moment, and dammit I want it this time. I don't remember his first cry, just the midwife trying to deliver the placenta. We don't have anything on video either, and there is the fantastic moment in time, the best moment of my life so far, that is just lost to me. I am hoping with even a minor amount of drugs that I'll have that magical moment this time.

And PS...about Moms...they mean well but there have been so many changes, advances, etc. Heck...I can't believe what has changed in just the last 5 years since I had ds. The best thing you can do is make sure to have Random know your wishes and be ready to fight as an advocate for you if the case were to arise.

[Sarah]

Karen, I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. And I can't imagine a more traumatic thing to have to thnk about as you prepare to give birth. Yes what happened to her is rare, even more rare 30 years later, but unfortunately terrible things do happen in this day and age. Reading in the IF blogosphere will tell you that. What you have to focus on is making sure that the care you are receiving addresses your concerns and takes them seriously. That's my strategy for managing the deadbaby worries that could keep me up at night.

As for preparing, sounds like you need a shower. Will you be getting a IRL one? If not, let your fingers do the walking -- we all know that you are a power shopper and are up to the task.

[mijk]

It can be done!!! I live in the netherlands where painmedicatiopn is the exeption so thaty makes it easier. (people assume it is doable). But yopur body does release painmedication on it's own. First of labour was harder after that I was in a a very calm cocoonin situation. It felt like a transformation process.. my son was ill after birth and it was very reassuring for me that I diodn't cause it with painkillers..

I think you should found yourself a good doula that is knowlegable about natural birth and doens't oppose painkillers all the way.. I shouldn't say you should do it but you ahve good motives and I just want to let you know here 60 procent of women do it on ther own.

[Courtney]

My sister is a labor and delivery nurse and she swears that the women who come in with birth plans and wanting natural childbirth have more complications than the women who just don't care. And she loves the second time birthers - the women who know that it's not possible to entirely control labor and just want a healthy baby.

Me, I was planning a home birth and wound up hospitalized at 33 weeks with pre-eclampsia and an emergency c-section at 35 weeks exactly after 3 days of induction failure. All my worries about breathing properly and knowledge I'd gained from Ina May went out the window. My son is only 5 1/2 months so I'm not even close to ready to thinking about #2, but I've adopted a "whatever" attitude. C-section? Hey, I know what to expect. Vaginal birth? Hey, something new. Drugs? Let's play it by ear. I am fully on board with no expectations.

BTW? Things get done. When my son was born we had NOTHING prepared. My husband painted his nursery when we were still in the hospital, we assembled his crib the night he came home (he slept with us anyway for 4 months so it didn't matter), bought the carseat the day before we brought him home. We live abroad without friends (lame-os!) so didn't have any help. And it was fine, and fun, and now his nursery is totally set up and you'd never know we had such a traumatic beginning. :)

[Linda]

Im sorry about what your Mom went through. Remember, things are different now.
As for 12-15 weeks? Those last few weeks last at least a year each. You'll have plenty of time :)

[Sheri]

Don't forget the NESTING! Thanks to that sweet little mental illness, both my babies were able to have lovely cribs, appropriate wall colors, and pink/blue onesies, respectively. :-)

[Carol]

Hi, me again. I wanted to relate a story about a friend of mine whose baby is 5 months old. She went through an all-natural childbirth and said it hurt so much that she wished she would have passed out so that they could have gotten the baby out for her. She was still traumatized by the pain several months later, and burst into tears telling me her birth story. She's now seeking therapy for these feelings. She feels that she has post-traumatic stress.

I am telling you this story because I wanted to make sure that the other side was presented. I'm not trying to be one of those people that tells the pregnant woman horror stories that she doesn't want to hear. Please forgive me if this kind of story isn't what you want to hear right now. It's just that the idea that the pain is totally manageable for every woman is one that I think can make women feel guilty or whimpy if they choose drugs. Some women can handle the pain of a natural childbirth. Others have a terrible time with it. I hope that any woman who chooses drugs won't feel like a whimp, that's all.

[Carol]

Ok, one last comment: I had epidurals and c-sections with both kids, and I had absolutely no problems breastfeeding whatsoever, even though there was a 2-hour delay in putting my second to the breast. Breastfeeding is another area where women have vastly different experiences, but I wanted to be a data point about successful breastfeeding experiences despite epidural and c-section. My AAs were gushing dairy volcanoes and my babies had no trouble latching on even though I had pain meds.

[Jennifer]

I had just IV pain drugs and I made it. It still hurt but they made it so I could handle the contractions. Also birthing tubs are wonderful things to help with the contractions. Based on your Mom's history I would avoid the epidural if you can, they raise your chances of having a c-section. Just because you don't have an epidural doesn't mean you can't have any pain meds.

[jenn]

I'm sorry to read about the loss of your sister; I know it must be hard for your mother to talk about it. As others have written, things are different now and physicians (and nurses) have better ways to monitor pregnancies and can (most of the time)detect and resolve problems before they can happen.

[DebbieS]

I re-read what I wrote about my doula/natural childbirth, and wanted to add that I hope I wasn't presenting that in an anti-pain management way. I was trying to say that if you want to consider avoiding an epidural for any reason, and you fear the pain, a doula can help. I'd never have considered using myself as an example of what to do if I didn't know what an extreme pain wimp I am. As in, I have to drug myself for a Pap smear. I'm not even joking. Anyway, even with all the concrete reasons that I read not to have an epidural, my real reason is that I freak out over needles and didn't want one in my back. My ob/gyn about laughed her a** off when I told her. But I was open to other options if the needs arose. Just wanted to clear that up ;)